A Storehouse Full

Life now, a little different

2011-12-17T15:12:00.000-06:00

After a little break from blogging, I have decided to start up again.

Mainly because I blogged pretty regularly when Anna was little and I'm trying to stave off that 'neglected second child syndrome' that inevitably leads to having no records of significant milestones for any child other than the first! (And on that note, my goal is to have Levi's birth story done before he is a month old. Leaving me ... 3 days. Better get on that!)

My experience recovering and adjusting this time round has been WORLDS different from those first few weeks after Anna's birth. Physically, in terms of recovering from his delivery (no time for an epidural or episiotomy this time!), but also emotionally. I feel SO much more at ease this time, despite all of my pregnant fretting that I would fall apart with two children. I distinctly remember a point in time when Anna was three months old, when I realised that I did not feel overwhelmed by my life any more (yes - three MONTHS). This time, in Levi's second week of post-birth life when Mark went back to work, I think all three of us were out running errands every day of the week! Of course, not being in nursing school is a pretty significant improvement this time, which I'm sure has a lot to do with how much calmer everything feels.

And probably because I am feeling so much more relaxed, nursing Levi is looking VERY different from my breastfeeding experience with Anna. He regained his birth weight by two weeks (rather than nearly four with Anna), and by the time he turns a month old in a few days I will have four gallons of pumped milk in my deep-freeze! He is usually only getting up once in the night, around 3:00, for which I am very thankful. He has had the occasional bad day or bad night, but on the whole he is a pretty chilled little guy.

Anna is a spectacular big sister. She loves on Levi and calls him "my baby", and says multiple times a day "Aww.... he's so tiny I just want to take him home, Mama!" (To which I reply that we are in fact AT home, a detail that remains lost on her apparently!) She developed a little 'nursing routine' shortly after we got home from the hospital, of bringing me a little pile of books to read to her while I sit on the couch feeding Levi, and has so far seemed to adapt very well to her transition from only child to big sister.

Well, that's going to be it for now. Both kids are napping, and my bed is calling my name too! (Last night was not one of the better nights; he did space his feeding times seven hours apart, but fussed till after midnight - silly boy!)

Silly ... but cute, and we love him :)

Summer fun

2011-08-09T05:59:00.004-05:00

Here are a few picture of what our summer has looked like so far - when we've been able to get out and about in temperatures consistently over 100 degrees! (And yes, that does mean lots of pool time!)

Ice cream picnic while we waited for the fireworks to begin on the 4th! Anna has been talking about watching fireworks ever since - good thing we kept a couple aside for the fall!

They both look pretty popsicle-drunk here - but at least they're happy drunks!!

Fun with our favourite Luu girls :) (It really is fun to see Anna making friends and specifically choosing which people she wants to hang out with!)

Mark has been SO busy since third year started - but he's gotten to sneak away for some fun now and then. Anna and I are usually at Mimi's pool on Tuesdays, and one week when Mark got an unexpected lunch break he came out and joined us for a half hour or so :) Which of course Anna loved - Dada has a little more energy for rough-and-tumble right now than I do! And he also got to spend the morning with us at the aquarium the day he switched over to working nights - love those family passes!

We celebrated our 6th anniversary in July, woohooo!! He booked the weekend off, and we found a cute little B&B to try out. I may have fallen in love with four-poster beds just a liiitttle...! (Not to mention the breakfast in bed part!)

So that's what we've been up to over the last few weeks this summer - I'm soo ready for fall to be here, but we're definitely enjoying soaking up the sun too. And I'm also trying to make the most of my last summer with only one child ... part of me wishes our kids would have been closer in age, but I am also loving getting all this time with just Anna. It's flown by and it's almost over ... and I know I will love this next chapter in our life too, but it will certainly be different!!

I am renaming my blog.

2011-08-01T22:18:00.002-05:00

I know.

Not a very imaginative post title.

But in case any of you are like me and (sometimes) skim through your reading list without actually reading any more than post titles, I wanted you to see it and not be confused next time I post and a random blog pops up on your list!

I have been thinking about renaming this page for a little while, but until now haven't really had any inspiration. I started the blog to chronicle my pregnancy with Anna, but it's outlasted that stage of my life and a new name seems appropriate. And now that I have finally come up with one, here it is:

A Storehouse Full

This has a double meaning - first, my blog is turning into the place I store significant happenings in my life. I journal too, in a real live paper-&-pen journal, but it's sometimes quicker to just type. Even if I never end up publishing the post.
And secondly, these are lyrics to a song that I discovered a little while ago and listen to a lot. Storehouse, by Sandra Mccracken. I can't figure out how to embed an mp3 into Blogger, but here are the lyrics and you might be able to listen to the song here on Grooveshark ... maybe?! Ok, linking the URL isn't going to happen either I guess. You can look it up if you want to listen! (It's very worth the 10 seconds it will take to find it on Grooveshark.)

Storehouse

The first uninterrupted sleep since July
The first waves of wisdom swing like a wrecking ball
Oh, a child takes the throne, displacing us all in good time

And I give you all that I have to give
Give you all that I have to give
When I give you all that I have to give
I still have a storehouse full

This love is reciting me like a backwards rhyme
The more that you lose of yourself the more you find
Take me out of myself, and into
The Clothes of royalty
love has taken me...

And I give you all that I have to give...but I still have a storehouse full

And it's barely December and I can't remember before
So I pull back the curtains and fling open wide the doors

Oh I give you all that I have to give...
(give you all, give you all I have)
Give you all that I have to give..

She wrote the song about her son. And while I'm not advocating a parenting style that involves "a child taking the throne, displacing us all" (!), I love knowing that in those moments when I feel like I have run out of patience, love, energy, whatever ... in the arena of parenting or elsewhere in my life ... I haven't really run out. I have an infinite supply of everything I need for life and godliness, and I have the Holy Spirit prodding me to access it! Now, this is a work in progress. I'm not claiming to be good at 'life and godliness' ... just wanting to be good at it, and knowing that grace abounds in the times I'm not!

So that's where my new name comes from :)

In other news ...

We passed a big potty-training landmark today: first day-trip in big-girl unders! And they stayed dry! We went to the aquarium, and I packed dipes just in case but Anna sat on the potty before leaving the house, went once while we were there and once when we got back, and not a drop in her unders! This is one proud mama.

The big-girl bed is going well too. She will get out every once in a while, but so far it's only been once on any given occasion. She's been waking up earlier in the morning that when she was in her crib (or maybe it's just that in her crib she would wake up and just lay there, quietly trapped!), but I have been waking up early too the last week or so, so I don't mind much!

Mark's car is in the shop. And will only come home to us after a few thousand dollars of maintenance :( The a/c had been making noises for a few weeks apparently, and then gave up the ghost a week or so ago. Which is more or less unacceptable when the high is over 105 every day these days...! And then a bunch of smaller stuff too; new water pump, belts, compressor... after eating through this much of our savings, this car had better make it through Armageddon and still be running!

Our "tiny baby", as Anna has named it, is definitely going through a growth spurt. I had only gained under 10lbs total at my last OB appointment, but since then I have been eating pretty much the whole time I am awake. I can feel that my little kicks and punches and squirms are getting a lot stronger, and can see the baby moving really clearly under my skin. I haven't had my official GTT yet (the test for gestational diabetes), but I think I probably have it again. I have really been able to feel when my blood sugar is soaring and then crashing - especially after breakfast. And if I have a high-protein breakfast, I feel a lot better throughout the whole rest of the day. I am also a lot less comfortable than I was with Anna at this point. I think I just got bigger a lot faster, and my skin and back and general musculoskeletal structure are struggling to keep up! I had a little scare last week - it turned out to just be the heat and dehydration, but I had a couple hours of contractions that were every 7-10 minutes. Everything checked out fine on my NST and ultrasound the next day, but I am definitely taking things a little easier and drinking more on days that I do have to be out and about!

Well, that is it for me for now. It's 11:30 and bed is calling!

Time flies...

2011-07-23T22:36:00.002-05:00

... whether or not you are having fun, apparently!

It really bugs me when I get behind on blogging, because I feel like I have to come up with a huge catch-up post (or posts, if I'm really behind) and I just don't have time for that right now. However, you'll be pleased to hear that this time I will condense the last two months of our lives into bullet points and not slam you with a huge mega-post :)

So - since getting back from PNG at the start of June, here's what's been going on in the Crouch household:

Mark got swallowed by the hospital in June since he'd been out of the call pool for about 4 months, ouch!

He has been named one of the two chief residents for the upcoming academic year - a huge responsibility and privilege. So proud of him! We attended a somewhat fun conference in Dallas for incoming chief residents of the regional residency programs more or less as soon as we got back from PNG.

Image Summer Retreat! Lots of planning and organising for both of us this year, since Mark is chief and I am (surprise) chief wife! There are a couple events for spouses at the retreat every year, which I and the other chief wife Josephine were coordinating. Kind of stressful ... not so much a 'retreat' for either us or our hubbies, who were also presenting their research projects that they'd spent all year working on!

Planned/ hosted a couple of brunches & baby showers

Finally got in to see my OB, after 2 1/2 months of us being gone/ him moving offices so his scheduling system got all crazy. I have only gained about 8lbs, but my belly is EXPLODING. By the time I turned 20 weeks (yup - just the half way point), I am having trouble eating anything more than a large snack at one time, I'm struggling to breathe well, my skin doesn't want to stretch one more millimeter, and I feel symptomatic of gestational diabetes again. And this child is WIGGLY!! We had a little scare the other day; I had a bunch of sporadic contractions during the day, and then a couple hours of contractions every 7-10 minutes during the evening. It turned out to be nothing more than dehydration and tiredness, so I'm trying to drink a ton and take it easy ... but in our 3rd week of temperatures above 100, it's not easy!

Image moved hospitals! Hillcrest, the hospital the residents had been based out of for the last 10 or 15 years, decided their budget wouldn't sustain the residency any more. So after meeting with several other hospitals in town, we moved to St John. This is a HUGE transition - both for the hospital and us!! And, being a chief, a lot of the responsibility of making that go as smoothly as possible on the day-to-day front has fallen to Mark (especially since he's running the hospital service this month).

We celebrated our 6th anniversary, woohoo!! Left that little girl of ours at Mimi and Papa's for the night, and went out for dinner and a B&B. Mark had the awesome idea of taking me to a culinary supply store called The Stock Pot, which offers cooking classes every couple of weeks in addition to having an incredible array of kitchen supplies. So we got to have a class with the executive chef of one of the really nice restaurants in town, and learned how to make a 4-course meal using only locally grown foods from the farmers market - and of course got to eat everything we learned how to make, and took home a bunch of new delicious recipes! I will be trying them out at home shortly, so I'll share the recipes as I make them :)

I am potty training Anna, and moving her to a big-girl bed. Simultaneously, which definitely wasn't the plan, but is just how it worked out! I was going to move her bed first, but she started talking about potties and going pee-pee before I had her bed all refinished, and then it all kind of happened at once. Tomorrow night will be her first night in the big-girl bed (we're doing it cold turkey - moving her crib into the new nursery so there's no going back!) - again, I will keep you posted on how it goes! On the potty training front, she gets a tattoo for every time she goes pee-pee on the big girl potty, and she's been nicely tatted up ever since we started :) We've had a couple accidents, but on the whole it's going really well! Can't believe she's big enough for any of this...

So ... most of that has been fun, some of it has been draining, but all of it has flown by! And that is all that I have the energy for tonight. I am going to go brush my teeth, snuggle with my massage pillow, and hope that Mark's cholestasis lady's induction doesn't take all night.

Hello and Goodbye

2011-05-28T15:10:00.002-05:00

That is kind of how this last month has felt: "Hello PNG ... oh - our month is up. Goodbye, I guess!"

It has been a fast, fast month. I am sitting on our couch looking at our suitcases stacked by the door (I triumphed over our packing yesterday and managed to stuff everything we brought here into two checked pieces, one carry-on, a purse and a back-pack) and wondering how we are already leaving. I am sad, but I am thankful to be homeward bound. Although even as I write that, I feel I am being disloyal to our little yellow Papua-Guinea House, which has definitely become home away from home.

I have two lists in my head. Things I'm looking forward to that I've missed doing while we've been here, and things I've gotten to do in the last month that I am about to start missing. Some of the items or experiences that showed up on each list surprised me. Without further ado ... here they are!

Things I'm looking forward to about going home

spending time with family and friends
owning a car
being able to go outside on my own after dark
grilling (ok - eating what Mark grills)
my bed
having the option of not-from-scratch cooking
our church that is in English and where people don't stare at me when I walk in
wearing shorts
not hearing the unearthly sounds that cicadas make - at 6am, very faithfully, each day
21st-century internet speed ;)
things outside of our home/immediate surroundings that I can take Anna to do. We are not normally stay-at-home kind of girls!
getting things ready for the baby. I have begun mentally nesting :)

Some things I will miss

spending time with our new friends who have become like family already
the view from my living room
eating fresh fruit and vegetables from Dr Bill's garden just across the yard
Mark's lunch breaks every day
taking Anna for walks outside that are punctuated every minute or so by a cheerful "gud mohning", "apnoon", or "gud evening" from Papua New Guinean people wandering around the station
being able to send Anna outside to play with the neighbour kids!
listening to the heavy tropical rain fall on our roof while I go to sleep
hanging laundry on the line
going to a church where I don't understand most of the words being said or sung, but still see love for Jesus on the faces around me
a gas stove!
being forced to slow down the pace of life
talking to our neighbours over the fence (or across the path, or through the gate, or while our children climb to various heights in the tree)
the feeling of community; fellowship found in sharing a purpose and ministry here away from all of our homes

Neither of these lists are totally exhaustive. But ... it is time to get this little girl fed and dressed, and start loading up our suitcases!

Confessions of a recovering performance-aholic

2011-05-24T22:48:00.004-05:00

The last week or so has been an exhausting one. Not because I've been out and about doing more than usual ... but because this baby is sapping my energy! I was bone-tired all through my first trimester with Anna, but by about 14/15 weeks I'd gotten my energy back and felt GREAT. This time round? I got past the 12 week point without feeling super tired; more nauseous than last time (which is a good sign that I kind of welcome!), but all of a sudden I guess it caught up with me. Or the baby had a growth spurt, or something. (I have felt it move a few times, which surprised me since I'm not quite 13 weeks yet. But hey - not complaining!)

All of that to say ... sorry for the absence of updates recently - my usual me-time while Anna sleeps has been spent napping and not blogging :)

We are in our last week in PNG (we leave on Sunday morning). It is hard to believe. It will be a sad day; while this has by no means been a vacation, we have certainly been blessed to spend a month surrounded by so much beauty - in the people we are living with, and also our surroundings. I have been reflecting on the last month and some of our experiences ... thinking about what to include in our update letter when we get back ... and I have found myself struggling.

Mark's 'role' here has been very well defined. He is a doctor. He works in a hospital. He delivers babies, performs surgeries, sets bones, sutures bush-knife injuries, performs manual life-support for patients who should be on ventilators. He has cared for many patients in the last month that would totally overwhelm other residents at his level, and he has done it well. (Not that he hasn't ever been overwhelmed; he just copes with it well and doesn't panic!)

That is Mark's part of our update letter. My part? Well .... I've spent a month cooking and cleaning....? Hmm.

When I was in nursing school in England, I was enrolled in a very unique undergraduate Masters program that was being piloted by the University of Nottingham's nursing department. That sounded pretty impressive when I got accepted. When I was in nursing school in the States, I was on an accelerated 14-month RN-BSN program that had a crazy drop-out rate because it was so intense and difficult ... but I did it - pregnant, and then with a newborn. I have never really struggled with the idea of being a stay-at-home-mom, and have never felt like I "just" stay home with our daughter or that I should be using my nursing license or building my career. But I think that somehow my education and recent school accomplishments still validated me. I have only been out of school for the last two years of my life (except for a couple brief interludes when I met Mark and when we got married), and I guess being in the academic environment and getting my RN and degrees was recent enough that I could still bask in their glow.

Here, though, I feel so far removed from any of that. This is a world governed by rainfall and harvests and hardship and superstition and manual labour and great physical (and spiritual) need. And it sounds much more worthwhile to say that you are stepping into that need as a physician, than it does to say you are keeping house all day! The myriad of simple acts that comprise keeping a family clean, clothed and fed take so much longer here than at home, and I have realised that even if I'd transferred my license and worked as a nurse during this month, I could only have worked a day a week without our home falling into total disarray.

I have been encouraged by a couple of things, though. The first is the affirmation from other wives that it takes everybody longer to do things here, not just me! I am not the only person who begins dinner preparations at 4:30 in order to have a meal on the table by 6:30!! When a family moves here long-term, they either agree that one spouse will work full-time while the other stays at home full-time, or they hire house-help so that both parents can work - and even then, they may both only work part-time.
The second thing that has encouraged me is the fact that as this slower pace, I am able to spend more time just being. Being - with Anna, but also with myself. I can't fill our days with little errands and playdates across town and library trips and aquaruim trips and going to the park and house projects and extra trips to the grocery store to pick up things I forgot and ... and ... And! So we play. Together. We pretend that the part of the living room between the door and the couch is the beach. We have picnics there. We cycle our fruit and vegetables through their two sinkfuls of water - together. We make stories out of the Thomas-the-Tank-Engine-themed playing cards. We make banana-leaf umbrellas and chase lizards until they escape through a crack. And I have journalled, and blogged and read books.

And I do spend most of my day 'just' cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and fighting an eternal battle against ants in my kitchen. But when I feel mundane, I am reminded by a "big-squeeze hug" around my knees or a hungry husband who sinks into his chair at the dinner table after a long day, that what I do is important. And I am grateful that I can do it!

Our picnic lunch while Dada & Uncle Bill were having an adventure hiking up Last Mountain, details of which can be found here!

My best girl

2011-05-19T05:58:00.004-05:00

Here are a couple of her two-year pictures ... enjoy!

(As I took these I was thinking back to this time last year, and marvelled at how much easier it was to take this year's batch. Hopefully this bodes well for her two-year-old stage...!)

Our ordinary selves

2011-05-17T00:19:00.006-05:00

Here is a little photo log (phlog...? Ha.) of the way we spend our time here when we're not having birthday parties or sliding down waterfalls :) It is taking about 10 minutes to upload each photo right now, so depending how soon Anna wakes up from her nap you may not see this till tomorrow! But hopefully you'll get a little glimpse into what our days look like, here in our home away from home.

Our "Little yellow Papua Guinea house", as Anna calls it

The lane we live at the end of

The bridge we drove our 4WD vehicle over to get to the nearby waterfall. Pretty unnerving, even for someone who's been in ... alternative off-roading situations ... before! But we made it and the bridge is still intact!

Checking out Dr Bill's fabulous garden while they were both off one Saturday. He grows pineapples, black raspberries, tomatoes, carrots, beans, lettuce, bananas, basil, cilantro, bok choi, green onions, corn, peas, pumpkins... Oh, and he's also a doctor on the side. Mark was in heaven!

How we get online here

How we make lemonade here

Where we get bananas

How we get vegetables (this is the market in our nearest town, Mt Hagen)

Who we play with every day - Ethan and Lexi and whatever bug they most recently caught!

What Mark spends his days doing

How we play peek-a-boo in our laundry tents

How we make new friends! Anna loves seeing all the little babies here ... and their mothers love seeing her

And speaking of seeing babies ... our newest one is looking good :) Dr Bill was my temporary OB today and let us take a little peek!

So that is what we are up to these days. There are plenty more pictures I could post, and probably will when we get back to the land of the high speed interwebs. But this post has taken 4 hours to upload, so I am done for now :)

Our big little girl turns two!

2011-05-13T20:18:00.007-05:00

Yesterday we celebrated Anna's second birthday! It is sometimes hard for me to believe that she is already two ... but most of the time, it feels about right :) Not because she is exhibiting a lot of particularly 'two-year-old' behaviour (though this is starting to make its grand appearance), but because she has achieved so much in the last year. She has learned how to explore and interact with her world in so many new ways, and is becoming very adept at communicating not just needs to us, but also her thoughts, opinions and preferences. She is learning the art of make-believe, and spends much of her playtime pretending. Which is endearing and often amusing! There is one corner of our living room here that she calls the beach, and will sit there digging in the sand or having beach picnics with her baby several times a day! She is developing a very nurturing character, and can often be found rocking her sippy cup to sleep or filling her little toy cradle with playdough grapes and singing to them. She talks about our 'tiny baby' a lot and loves to hug and kiss my belly; she seems to be looking forward to teaching tiny baby everything she knows when it's "all done hiding mama's tummy" :)

She is also developing a little social circle. She LOVES to play outside with our neighbours over here - especially the younger girl, Lexi. "Play Yexi?" can be heard many dozens of times each day in the Crouch house right now...! She of course also talks about seeing Clover again when we leave our "little yellow Papua-Ginee house", and draws lots of pictures of herself and Clover playing. I think it's so awesome that she's starting to expand her circle of important people to include more than just her parents :)

I did wonder how her birthday would go being so far away from our normal surroundings and friends ... but we had an awesome day! The night before, Mark and I filled the living room with balloons so she had a fun surprise when she woke up. And I was actually able to find some syrup at the store the last time I went into town, so I made her some birthday pancakes - always a hit :)

She wanted to put on her birthday skirt and "happy birfay hat" as soon as she woke up

I brought a couple boxes of cake mix as well as icing and sprinkles, so while Mark was at work Anna and I decorated her cake and cupcakes. I had sketched a couple of cake designs for her to choose from, and she went with butterflies :)

She was more into licking sprinkles off of the table than putting them onto the cupcakes, but she did a LITTLE bit of helping too!

The plan for her party was to have a cook-out at the bonfire pit behind our house, and then head in for cake and presents afterwards. Typically it rains here during the late afternoon and evening most days ... but not this day! We had some sprinkles for a few minutes, but nothing like the torrential downpour of the previous day. Thanks, God :)

The little bit of rain gave Erin the chance to model banana-leaf umbrellas for us!

Anna and her new BFF Lexi in their matching pink raincoats!

Keeping an eye on dinner

Dr Bill & Marsha McCoy, longtime family friends who we have the joy of living next to!

Smores for first dessert!

Blowing out her candle (with some help from Lexi & Dada) before digging into her cake for second dessert

The traditional Kudjip birthday hat

Opening presents! One of which was this adorable highland hat from Uncle Bill & Aunt Marsha. Now if only it would cool down enough to be able to wear it...! :)

I was totally overwhelmed by the outpouring of love our new friends showed us. It felt like half the compound turned up to celebrate the birthday of a little girl they barely knew, and it certainly blessed this Mama's heart! I'm so grateful for the closeness and fellowship we can share with our new neighbours, and that they are willing to invest in us and welcome us into their lives and homes even though we are only here for a month.

A trip to the market, a trip around the world

2011-05-09T22:39:00.003-05:00

The day after we arrived here, our wonderful hosts the McCoys took us into Mount Hagen, our nearest town, to the grocery store and the market to stock up on food for the month. As can be expected, this was quite the eye-opening experience!

We are living on the Kudjip Hospital compound, which is about 45 minutes to an hour (depending on the amount of recent rain...!) outside of Mount Hagen. We used one of the compound vehicles to get into town, and took with us a Papua New Guinean man named Peter to act as our watchman and stay in the vehicle guarding our belongings while we went into various little stores. We needed Peter because culturally it is not looked down on to steal, since the stolen article/money can better one's tribal standing. If you are caught in the act of stealing, however, you bring huge shame to your tribe and you will be beaten half to death right there in the street.

The grocery store surprised me; it stocked several varieties of many items, and was fairly clean and pretty well organised. Food is really expensive since most of it is imported from Australia. I definitely spent over $10 on a box of cornflakes. Admittedly it was family sized, but still. No tasty bells or whistles - just plain ol' cornflakes! We buy UHT milk in cartons that don't need refrigerating, and mix it with powdered milk (which is better than powdered milk in the US, but still needs 'real' milk to boost the flavour). MSG is apparently considered a delicacy here, and is sold in cute little tins labelled 'Pure Monosodium Glutamate', for all the world to see. Tuna is the colour of chocolate pudding (though it tastes the same), and when buying canola oil I had to hunt through several rows of bottles to find one that didn't contain a good two inches of mystery sediment. What is there in oil that can sediment out...!? Cheese and ice cream are going to be treats while we're here since they're at least double the cost as back home, and I couldn't bring myself to even buy one little pot of yoghurt ($4 per individual pot) so Anna is learning how to eat cornflakes and berries for breakfast instead :) Overall, though, the grocery store experience was not that different from shopping back home.

The market, however, was another story. Fresh fruit and vegetables grow very well in this tropical climate, and I think I spent about as much on two weeks' worth of delicious fresh produce as on my box of cereal..! I don't have any pictures of the market since we were advised not to try to combine shopping trips with photography trips (inevitably either the camera or the food money will go missing!), but hopefully I can post some later. It is an outdoor market with a roof, but still very muddy and puddley inside. Vendors lay out their produce on tables or the floor, and splash dirty-looking water over their wares to keep it looking fresh all day. Garlic cloves are the size of large peas (VERY finicky to peel and chop, I'm finding!), avocados are nearly as big as Anna's head, small children stand behind the pineapple tables wielding machetes to lop the top off your pineapple if you want, and everything I bought from the market had to be washed once in tap water to get the obvious dirt off, and once in filtered water to get the tap water off. (We don't do anything with tap water here except wash dishes and shower. And pre-rinse market purchases!)

Mama's little helper washing off veg :) And that is not a slight of camera hand. They are green onions, and they are as tall as she is.

The lemons are the same size as back home. The avocados (our sample of which was not abnormally large compared with its peers) are not. It took us three meals of very generous avocado portions to finish off one!

After the 4+ hours we spent going between various stores to collect a reasonable pantry for our little home, we were exhausted! Partly from just being on our feet for that long, and partly because being foreigners (with a small and cute child) we were of course the subject of much curiosity and attention. I did feel under less scrutiny here than on either of our trips to Africa, though. Which was kind of nice :)

The 6th Continent

2011-05-05T23:21:00.006-05:00

As I blog today, I am looking out of my living room window across a small valley made up of patchwork little fields, at mountains. My view is partly obscured by the branches of a banana tree and some other tree that I don't recognise, but which is covered in bright red tropical looking flowers. I can hear two or three birds calling back and forth (much more musically than the robins and sparrows I normally listen to!), and the occasional whirring plunk of a gigantic cicada flying into the corrugated metal on the side of our house.

Yes, we are in Papua New Guinea! I have now been to every continent on Earth except Antarctica (and that is one stamp I highly doubt will ever appear in my passport) - I'm thinking 6 out of 7 before I'm 30 isn't bad :)

We arrived 4 days ago, I think - my sense of time has totally taken leave of me for some reason! Our flight was long, but pretty uneventful and MUCH easier than I was expecting it to be. We flew Tulsa - DFW - LAX - Brisbane - Port Moresby - Mount Hagen. Looonnngg!

Actually - I take back the uneventful part. *Someone* didn't quite notice that the travel itinerary from our travel agent included not a two hour layover in Brisbane, but a one DAY and two hour layover. Those date changes can really sneak up on you...! So as we were going through our gate at LAX, the gate agent asked us why we didn't have visas for Australia. To which we replied, "why would we need visas when we're only there at the airport for two hours?" She pointed out the actual length of our stay, and was thankfully able to issue us visas there at the gate! So when we arrived in Brisbane at 7am, we rented a car and drove to Australia Zoo.

After feeding kangaroos, watching the crocodile show and looking at all the animals Anna won't see at the Tulsa Zoo (Galapagos tortoises, Koalas, Wallabies etc), we headed to the beach! Our departure from the zoo was the only time on the entire trip that Anna cried or fussed, and that was quickly stopped with the promise of seeing the ocean shortly (Seriously. She is a much better traveller than either of her parents!). It was her first time to see the ocean, and she LOVED it. She loves looking through our Bahamas pictures and talking about oceans and starfish and sharks, so she was super excited to be able to play in the sand and look for little beach treasures. Honestly, although it was a huge (but rather amusing, even at the time) oversight on my part, our extra day in Brisbane was such a blessing. It broke up the trip, gave us a day to get adjusted to the time difference before hitting the ground here, and was really fun for Anna.

Showing off my new baby bump :)

And now, we are mostly unpacked and turning our little yellow house into our new Papua New Guinea home. Life is a little simpler here; no TV (although we rarely watch ours at home), I line-dry our clothes (we do have a washing machine, praise God - cloth diapers by hand? No thanks!), no dishwasher, internet connection speed from dial-up days (which may limit the number of pictures I can post!), water than has to be filtered before we can drink it ... but we are happy :) Mark is really enjoying working at the hospital here; he said that in his first two days, he has already done more than he would have in a week at Hillcrest. Of course, that is a mixed blessing; his patients here are truly sick. One of his pediatric patients died yesterday due to sepsis after a very third-world-rural-hospital attempt at coding him. He is seeing a LOT of domestic violence; the day before we arrived, a young girl came to the hospital 20 weeks pregnant with her membranes ruptured - from a machete attack by her husband's other wife who could not bear children. A young man was pronounced dead when his family brought him here - his older brother, furious about his marijuana use but not actually intending to hurt him, had hurled a spear at him and severed his carotid artery. Yeah. Pretty different medicine from working in downtown Tulsa ... but he is making the most of his opportunity to minister to his patients and be Jesus to them in each of their situations.

Well, it sounds like it may have started raining. We have pretty tropical weather during the first half of the day, and then it cools down and usually rains in the late afternoon. Which makes for very lush green surroundings. And also means I should go bring my laundry in!

The Selfish Giant

2011-04-05T17:39:00.016-05:00

Now for something a little different ....

This is one of my favourite children's tales. When my family lived in Nepal, my Aunt in Canada read this Oscar Wilde short story onto a cassette tape and mailed it to us so that Steph and I could listen to it. I recently remembered a little snippet of the story, though not that it was written by Wilde, and after a little searching, unearthed it online. I fell in love with the story all over again, so thought I'd share it with you :)

The Selfish Giant

Every afternoon, as they were coming from school, the children used to go and play in the Giant's garden. It was a large lovely garden, with soft green grass. Here and there over the grass stood beautiful flowers like stars, and there were twelve peach-trees that in the spring-time broke out into delicate blossoms of pink and pearl, and in the autumn bore rich fruit. The birds sat on the trees and sang so sweetly that the children used to stop their games in order to listen to them. "How happy we are here!" they cried to each other.

One day the Giant came back. He had been to visit his friend the Cornish ogre, and had stayed with him for seven years. After the seven years were over he had said all that he had to say, for his conversation was limited, and he determined to return to his own castle. When he arrived he saw the children playing in the garden.

"What are you doing here?" he cried in a very gruff voice, and the children ran away.

"My own garden is my own garden," said the Giant; "any one can understand that, and I will allow nobody to play in it but myself." So he built a high wall all round it, and put up a notice-board.

TRESPASSERS
WILL BE
PROSECUTED

He was a very selfish Giant.

The poor children had now nowhere to play. They tried to play on the road, but the road was very dusty and full of hard stones, and they did not like it. They used to wander round the high wall when their lessons were over, and talk about the beautiful garden inside. "How happy we were there," they said to each other.

Then the Spring came, and all over the country there were little blossoms and little birds. Only in the garden of the Selfish Giant it was still winter. The birds did not care to sing in it as there were no children, and the trees forgot to blossom. Once a beautiful flower put its head out from the grass, but when it saw the notice-board it was so sorry for the children that it slipped back into the ground again, and went off to sleep. The only people who were pleased were the Snow and the Frost. "Spring has forgotten this garden," they cried, "so we will live here all the year round." The Snow covered up the grass with her great white cloak, and the Frost painted all the trees silver. Then they invited the North Wind to stay with them, and he came. He was wrapped in furs, and he roared all day about the garden, and blew the chimney-pots down. "This is a delightful spot," he said, "we must ask the Hail on a visit." So the Hail came. Every day for three hours he rattled on the roof of the castle till he broke most of the slates, and then he ran round and round the garden as fast as he could go. He was dressed in grey, and his breath was like ice.

"I cannot understand why the Spring is so late in coming," said the Selfish Giant, as he sat at the window and looked out at his cold white garden; "I hope there will be a change in the weather."

But the Spring never came, nor the Summer. The Autumn gave golden fruit to every garden, but to the Giant's garden she gave none. "He is too selfish," she said. So it was always Winter there, and the North Wind, and the Hail, and the Frost, and the Snow danced about through the trees.

One morning the Giant was lying awake in bed when he heard some lovely music. It sounded so sweet to his ears that he thought it must be the King's musicians passing by.

It was really only a little linnet singing outside his window, but it was so long since he had heard a bird sing in his garden that it seemed to him to be the most beautiful music in the world. Then the Hail stopped dancing over his head, and the North Wind ceased roaring, and a delicious perfume came to him through the open casement. "I believe the Spring has come at last," said the Giant; and he jumped out of bed and looked out.

What did he see?

He saw a most wonderful sight. Through a little hole in the wall the children had crept in, and they were sitting in the branches of the trees. In every tree that he could see there was a little child. And the trees were so glad to have the children back again that they had covered themselves with blossoms, and were waving their arms gently above the children's heads. The birds were flying about and twittering with delight, and the flowers were looking up through the green grass and laughing. It was a lovely scene, only in one corner it was still winter. It was the farthest corner of the garden, and in it was standing a little boy. He was so small that he could not reach up to the branches of the tree, and he was wandering all round it, crying bitterly.

The poor tree was still quite covered with frost and snow, and the North Wind was blowing and roaring above it. "Climb up! little boy," said the Tree, and it bent its branches down as low as it could; but the boy was too tiny.

And the Giant's heart melted as he looked out. "How selfish I have been!" he said; "now I know why the Spring would not come here. I will put that poor little boy on the top of the tree, and then I will knock down the wall, and my garden shall be the children's playground for ever and ever." He was really very sorry for what he had done.

So he crept downstairs and opened the front door quite softly, and went out into the garden. But when the children saw him they were so frightened that they all ran away, and the garden became winter again. Only the little boy did not run, for his eyes were so full of tears that he did not see the Giant coming.

And the Giant stole up behind him and took him gently in his hand, and put him up into the tree. And the tree broke at once into blossom, and the birds came and sang on it, and the little boy stretched out his two arms and flung them round the Giant's neck, and kissed him. And the other children, when they saw that the Giant was not wicked any longer, came running back, and with them came the Spring. "It is your garden now, little children," said the Giant, and he took a great axe and knocked down the wall. And when the people were going to market at twelve o'clock they found the Giant playing with the children in the most beautiful garden they had ever seen.

All day long they played, and in the evening they came to the Giant to bid him good-bye.

"But where is your little companion?" he said: "the boy I put into the tree." The Giant loved him the best because he had kissed him.

"We don't know," answered the children; "he has gone away."

"You must tell him to be sure and come here to-morrow," said the Giant. But the children said that they did not know where he lived, and had never seen him before; and the Giant felt very sad.

Every afternoon, when school was over, the children came and played with the Giant. But the little boy whom the Giant loved was never seen again. The Giant was very kind to all the children, yet he longed for his first little friend, and often spoke of him. "How I would like to see him!" he used to say.

Years went over, and the Giant grew very old and feeble. He could not play about any more, so he sat in a huge armchair, and watched the children at their games, and admired his garden. "I have many beautiful flowers," he said; "but the children are the most beautiful flowers of all."

One winter morning he looked out of his window as he was dressing. He did not hate the Winter now, for he knew that it was merely the Spring asleep, and that the flowers were resting.

Suddenly he rubbed his eyes in wonder, and looked and looked. It certainly was a marvellous sight. In the farthest corner of the garden was a tree quite covered with lovely white blossoms. Its branches were all golden, and silver fruit hung down from them, and underneath it stood the little boy he had loved.

Downstairs ran the Giant in great joy, and out into the garden. He hastened across the grass, and came near to the child. And when he came quite close his face grew red with anger, and he said, "Who hath dared to wound thee?" For on the palms of the child's hands were the prints of two nails, and the prints of two nails were on the little feet.

"Who hath dared to wound thee?" cried the Giant; "tell me, that I may take my big sword and slay him."

"Nay!" answered the child; "but these are the wounds of Love."

"Who art thou?" said the Giant, and a strange awe fell on him, and he knelt before the little child.

And the child smiled on the Giant, and said to him, "You let me play once in your garden, to-day you shall come with me to my garden, which is Paradise."

And when the children ran in that afternoon, they found the Giant lying dead under the tree, all covered with white blossoms.

THE END.

       *      *      *      *      *      *      *       *       *       *       *       *

With silver bells and cockle shells....

2011-04-05T16:53:00.004-05:00

.... and muddy little fingers all in a row!

Today we planted our garden! Well, we started. Mark is on nights this month, but he got a whopping one call last night, so slept for 6 hours and came home ready to play in the sunshine! We planted carrots, lettuce and cucumbers today, in the raised beds he made at our last house on his parents' land. We still have to put in tomatoes and peppers in the second bed, but we decided to save those for another day. We had extra seeds from today's little batch that we'll probably plant in pots at our house so we don't have to drive 4 miles down the road to harvest our salad EVERY time we want fresh veggies! I also have basil, cilantro and parsley that I'm planting here at home, so we'll be all set for a summer of delicious greens :)

Preparing her little plot....

.... for the seeds - carrots, lettuce and cucumber, yum!

She was very careful not to rip her little seed strip that we gave her to play with, and planted it many times over :)

She dragged that watering can around all over the place before finally deciding to water the garden...

... with a little encouragement from dada!

Guarding her little plot of garden!

SO thankful for Mark's easy night last night, it is always so nice when we get surprise down time with him! And when we get to play in the sun too, it is all in all a very good day :)

Paradise found

2011-03-30T07:40:00.007-05:00

Paradise.... We found it!

It is in the Bahamas ... Pelican Point, on Grand Bahama Island, to be exact :)

We got back on Saturday morning from having spent 5 days there on the beach with our very dear friends the Mayers (and without our very dear baby girl -- thanks Mimi & Papa!!), soaking up everything Pelican Point had to offer: picture-perfect beach & water, great snorkelling, fishing, lobster hunting (the boys caught 8. EIGHT! And yes we ate them all!), exploring nearby beaches and blue holes, eating at Bahama John's Rib Shack just down the beach, laying out in the hammock, kayaking, and plain old chillaxing and enjoying each others' company.

IT. WAS. AWESOME.

Here are some pictures, so you can get the general idea of our week away and salivate just a little over how wonderful it was :)

Mark getting some early-morning reading in before breakfast. This was the view from our porch!

Our awesome host Steve took us out a few times in his boat to fish, snorkel etc.

Real beach golf should always be played with driftwood clubs and a sea urchin.

Mark caught a 12lb barracuda, and nearly got pulled into the sea with it trying to reel it in! It was a fighter!

The boys after day 2 of lobster hunting. Victorious again!!

Delicious lobster dinner, with Bahamian rice & beans, some fried grouper that we also caught, veggies, plantains, mmmmmm :)

The boys.....

.... and the girls :)

On the beach right outside our little villa. It was perfect!

Sunrise

We miss you, beautiful beach -- we'll be back one day, though!!

A mixed bag

2011-03-04T07:34:00.004-06:00

This post would be simpler if I was referring to vegetables, but I'm talking about feelings. Specifically, mine! Last week marked the week our baby would have been born. It was also the week I found out that a good friend of mine is pregnant.

It's hard.

I don't like grieving. I don't like being patient, being forced to wait for something that I want so much. I don't like not being in control. I don't like it when other people so easily achieve what I want to. I don't like feeling like a bad friend for feeling heartbroken instead of rejoicing over new life.

I wish there was an easier way for my faith to become mature, for my character to develop perseverance and patience. I wish I understood why God lets some people have (what looks to me from the outside) what they want, when they want it. Why couldn't I be one of those people?

What would I miss out on if I was?

Would I have the same experiential level of trust in God's unwavering goodness and gentle strength? Even when bad things with no happy ending happen? Would I be able to reach out to other women in the same way? Would I treasure my children as much, never knowing what it was to lose one?

I can't answer any of these questions. I can say that I'm inexpressibly thankful that God redeems. He redeems things that look to me like they're bad, wasted, ugly and painful. He can make them good and beautiful when I can't. And He can help me wait well.

photo credit

2011-02-16T15:55:00.003-06:00

Recently I have been reading a lot on marriage and parenting. These are the two over-arching roles of my life right now (and I suspect will always be, whether or not a career ever features too!) - wife and mother. What I have read ranges from cliche and humdrum, to straight-up crazy, to inspirational wisdom that is helping me refocus. From rules and patterns to follow, to the fresh, life-giving air of grace and freedom.

I have so enjoyed the last weeks and months of 'concentrated gleaning'. I am grateful for others who have walked the paths of spouse and parent before me, grateful that they have shared with me their life lessons. One thing I am coming to learn about myself, though, is that unless I form concrete application of what I have read, no matter how inspirational the words, I will forget them.

To that end, I am creating a framework for one of my two roles - that of mother. (Possibly I should have started with my role as wife, since that takes precedence, but the book I am currently working on addresses raising children so I will jump in where I am!) As Anna approaches her second birthday, I'm realising that the type of parenting I engage in is about to change. She is not a baby. Babies, in my opinion, are easy. (Intellectually, I mean. I did not have to discipline Anna as a baby, or explain things to her, or teach her about moral standards.) She is not even really a toddler any more. She is becoming a child, who will in turn become an adult. And I can't fly by the seat of my pants and expect to produce a responsible, well-adjusted, morally sound adult who has an intimate walk with God at the end of my 18 years of raising her!

Photo credit

I am writing my framework (or list, or model, or collection of thoughts) in pencil, acknowledging that with my limited knowledge and foresight, I may need to revise it! Also, Mark and I plan to sit down over coffee next week and incorporate his version, so the final draft will look a little different :) That being said, here it is so far:

Things I want to pass on to our kids/ a focus for raising them:

A close, foundational relationship with God; intimacy with Him and the strength that that gives

Obedience to a law higher than themselves

Certainty that they are loved by me and by God … no matter what

Intact self-worth and a sense of purpose

An ability to forgive and love those around them, and see the innate value every created person has as being formed in God's image

Contentment and an eye for beauty wherever they are

Patience and perseverance; self-discipline; willingness to work hard

Freedom from man-made 'moral laws': Is it truly a sin? Does it put them in imminent danger of sinning?

Desire for wisdom

Justice coupled with mercy and grace

And there you have it ... if I've missed something critical, I'm open to advice! :) I have a sneaky suspicion that the best way of passing these characteristics on to Anna and any other kids God sends our way is to model them well in my own life. And honestly, I'm ok with that. These are all things I want more of in MY life too, not just those of my children!

Keeping up with....

2011-01-10T13:29:00.008-06:00

.... Amanda G!

How to tell you are falling behind on your blog: the girl who just gave birth to twins, is breastfeeding them round the clock, and has three other kids, has blogged more recently than you. Amanda, you inspire me. [For many more reasons than just this one :) ]

Let's see - since I last blogged, we've had Thanksgiving in
New Orleans .....

Taking the ferry to the French Quarter

Thanksgiving left-overs!

Enjoying Mackeys and beignets at Cafe du Monde!

..... and we've had Christmas and New Years .....

My favourite present :)

Christmas morning ... before it got covered in torn-up wrapping paper and toys!

Reading the Christmas story with Papa on Christmas morning

Stockings!

Anna's favourite present - her new "truck" from Dada! She is so hilarious on it - scooting around in the house and crashing into walls :)

.... and we've had the first snowfall of the year!

Just enough to make a snowman!

I was journalling in between Christmas and New Years, and reflecting on the last year - adjusting to our new house and neighbourhood and watching it start to feel like home; Mark's trip to Haiti; Anna's first flight to England; spinning out on the highway and totalling my poor car; taking on leadership of our lifegroup at church; watching our godson when his mom started back at work; one of Mark's best friends; diagnosis of thyroid cancer; Anna's first birthday! - how did that come around so soon?! ... Mark finishing his internship and becoming a second year resident; losing our sweet baby in the summer; flying to England again for Steph's wedding; the crazy pace of the holidays mixed with some awesome time with friends and family .... all in all, it's been a year of serious ups and downs!

But as I looked back at the last year and forward at the next, two things really stood out to me. God's strong and gentle arms carrying us through everything we've been through in the last year, and for the next year - hope. The kind of hope that allows us to say "it is well with my soul", the kind of hope that is a bright window denying the night of its darkness. The kind of hope that lives because Jesus does.

Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow!

Bring it, 2011. I'm ready.

A favour

2010-11-21T13:42:00.002-06:00

When you have finished reading this post, please say a little prayer for some friends of ours from medical school. They have a two year old daughter and several weeks ago gave birth to twins - a boy and a girl. They were born prematurely, and today, after battling medical complications since his birth, their baby boy died. Our friends know Jesus, and know that they will see their son again one day. But right now they are devastated. Please pray for them - now, and if God brings them to your mind again later. Thanks so much.

Shamelessly braggin' on my bebe

2010-11-17T14:17:00.004-06:00

On Saturday my baby girl turned 18 months old. Nothing accelerates life like having a child grow up in front of you. There is definitely a part of me that, like every other mother I know, wishes life would slow down a little so they could keep their babies babies for longer. But I am also so excited to continue seeing Anna grow up. Every new stage she reaches becomes my favourite one yet. Of course, as she grows and becomes more independent our wills clash from time to time; I have definitely had my fair share of frustrating days! But overall Anna is a very settled, laid-back and obedient child and I can't think of a better life than getting to stay home and take care of her.

I am totally floored by how smart and awesome she is. (Here comes the brag.) I know every mom is amazed at what their child achieves, but I am really amazed! I made a list of her words over the weekend - and there are over 50 words that she uses consistently and correctly, plus five or six signs. Yup, fifty. She can name blue, green and red, and she holds her crayons exactly the way we hold pens to write (rather than the fist-grab). She can point to her eyes, ears, nose, hair, head, cheeks, hands, belly, belly-button, bum-bum, pee-pee, knees, hands, feet and toes, and can say all of those except belly and belly-button. She knows when something is hot or cold (warm is still kind of tricky!), she tells me when her hands are sticky, and when I forget to pray when we finish reading our bed-time Bible story she picks up my hands and holds them to remind me. She tells me when she pees in her diaper (which I don't honestly think is a sign of early potty-training because she's terrified of sitting on the potty the couple times I've let her try it!). She has overcome her crippling fear of the dog next door and now waves 'hi' to him when she hears him barking. She enjoys 'helping' me clean and do housework (a baby-wipe will keep her busy cleaning for a good 15 minutes!), and loves getting to feed her fish and water our plant every day. She loves Clover and Riah, and asks to see "Baby Cro-Cro" at least half a dozen times a day. She gets so excited about going to the library and picking out her own books, and her new favourite game is playing 'Ring-a-ring-a-rosie'. She has recently started playing pretend with her toys; bringing me her Ted and asking me to put a pair of her socks on him, giving her sippy cup to Elmo, helping Cheetah blow his nose when she has a cold herself... I love it!

I am so very thankful for my daughter, and so proud of what she has achieved in the first 18 months of her life. I love getting to share and experience her view of the world, and I'm grateful for her little reminders to me that acorns are fun to pick up and that airplanes in the sky are amazing. Few things make me happier than feeling her little arms squeeze my neck or hearing her running down the hallway saying "Mama!"

She is first God's child, but I'm so glad she's ours too!

Anna's nature walk

2010-11-01T12:49:00.005-05:00

In the spirit of autumnal exploration, Anna and I went for a nature walk this morning. It was so fun! The edge of our neighbourhood borders a little wooded area, so we set off to explore fall colours and plants.

First we collected some acorns and talked about their little hats....

... and decided to try one on! We learned that acorns wear smaller hats than toddlers.

Then we looked at different kinds of stones, and found two that looked "same-same" :)

And then we found a big stick to stir the leaves with and listened to their crunchy sounds :)

And it turns out that children aren't the only ones that can learn things on nature walks. Not having grown up with the beast that is poison ivy, I haven't learned very well to watch for it when playing outside. I do know it has the characteristic three leaves, however, and half way through our walk I realised we were playing quite close to a lot of pretty red leaves - that all came in clumps of three! I've only ever seen green poison ivy in the summer so I wasn't sure what it would look like in the fall. I pulled out my iPhone and consulted google, and sure enough .... "Poison ivy leaves turn a vivid red in the fall. It is usually one of the first plants to change." (Good info here)

We scrubbed our hands, took baths and the laundry is on! So hopefully if it was in fact poison ivy that's the last we'll hear of it. Watch this space....!

Baby steps

2010-10-31T14:24:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I posted about our baby. Part of that was deliberate, and part was the result of life still going on and me still being in it. It's been two and a half months since I miscarried. A few weeks have gone by since the last time I felt like everything was falling apart ... a few hours have gone by since the last time I cried over his little life. I know that my heart is on the mend, one baby step at a time. I also am coming to realise that a little piece of a mother's heart becomes attached to each child that she conceives, and when that child is gone the part of her heart that's left behind will always hurt a little. And the part of my heart that is with my baby boy is singing and dancing with him.

"Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor"

This is the verse that was spoken prophetically in church today. I felt that today I had to make a choice. One of my good friends is almost 20 weeks pregnant - about a week off of what I would have been right now. Mark and I have been close to this couple for years, and since miscarrying I have NOT been able to deal well with seeing her. After much soul-searching, I have decided that this is not borne out of bitterness. My struggle is that every time I see her, she represents a joy that that I will never know. She reminds me of my grief. Of the 'should have beens'. And I know that this will not be 'fixed' by getting pregnant again - the joy that I've lost was for this baby. Having Anna, I know what I am missing out on! And that is what my dear, sweet friend represented to me. Lost joy.

At church, I felt that this was the day that God wanted to break that. I think part of that was up to Him ... but He also showed me that a lot of the ache I felt whenever I was reminded of my loss was something I was holding onto, and could choose to relinquish. Paradoxically, it is easier for me to fall back into grief and pain than to be joyful in this situation (why would I choose to hold onto something that is hurting me...?). But God is calling me to sing, to burst into song and to shout for joy - in spite of missing a little piece of my heart.

I cried through worship today, I cried through communion, and I cried as I found my friend and hugged her. But I am choosing to relinquish my hold on the ache.

(And, as a sidenote, I am remembering that this baby of mine is not lost! What an inaccurate and hope-less expression we have developed as a euphemism for miscarriage. I didn't 'lose' my child - I know exactly where he is, and that he is safe and exuberantly happy!)

Homemade pumpkin pie!

2010-10-14T11:57:00.014-05:00

Mark and I took Anna to the pumpkin patch recently. It was so much fun; Mark was working at a hospital a mile away from the pumpkin patch, and he was having a slow afternoon so he came and joined us for a little while. Impromptu family date :) She was old enough this year to actually enjoy running around and looking at pumpkins, and she picked out a couple pie ones to bring home. For the last two years (since having a child to take to pumpkin patches!) I have made pies from scratch, and really enjoy doing it! It only takes a couple of hours from start to finish, and I get far more compliments on my home-made pies than I ever do when I just buy one from Walmart :) I decided to blog my pie-making experience this year, so here you go: pumkpin pie from scratch! (Note: I am NOT your resident pie-making expert! If you have other tips you can share, I'd be glad to hear them! :) Also, I used a frozen roll-out crust rather than making my own. There's only so much time in one little girl's nap!)

1. Go to the pumpkin patch and get someone cute to help you pick out your pie pumpkin. Ours were about 8 inches in diameter. (This is a guess; they were very similar in size to Anna's head, so find a 17-mo old's head to compare!)

2. Rinse your pumpkin to remove any dirt from the outside.
Tip: before you do anything else, get a Walmart bag and spread it out in your sink so you have somewhere to throw all the mess. This makes cleaning up a lot easier!

3. Cut the pumpkin in half. A serrated knife and sawing motion seemed to be the general online consensus, but I found that a 'rocking' motion with the knife was easier than straight-up sawing.

4. Scoop out the guts. For a smooth textured pie, scoop out all the strings. I used my ice-cream scoop, which was pretty labour-unintensive :)

5. Cut each half of the pumpkin into smaller chunks, ready for cooking. I cut each half into thirds, and then cut each of the thirds into thirds too. Obviously the smaller you cut the chunks, the quicker they'll cook :)

I steamed one half of the pumpkin in the microwave in a pyrex bowl with a lid, and the other half on the stove in a steamer. I didn't find that one was any quicker or more effective than the other. With the size of chunks that I used, it took between 15 and 20 minutes to completely cook. (I set my microwave to cook in 5-minute increments and just kept checking it.) It's done when the flesh of the pumpkin pulls away from the skin easily.

6. Peel it! I found using a dessert spoon to be quite effective. Also, preheat the over to 425.

7. Blend or puree the pumpkin flesh till it is smooth and without chunks. I have used my hand blender each time I did this and the texture is great; I'm sure any blending appliance would work just fine!

8. Get your pie crust out! Like I said, I bought one of those refrigerated rolled-up sheets of pastry and cheated on the crust. I did have to trim it to size and lay it in my pie dish, though, so I stopped one step short of totally selling out and getting a ready-to-bake one :) I baked my crust before adding the filling. If you do that, remember to put tin-foil over the edges of the filled crust once you bake it again, so the edges poking out above the filling don't get burned.

9. Add the following ingredients to the pumpkin puree and mix well. I just used my hand blender again. The resulting mixture will be runny; mine is usually about the consistency of stage 1 baby food. Panic not, the pie will thicken up perfectly :) Pour the pumpkin into your pie shell. I had a lot left over, as you can see from the picture below. I just froze it in a gallon ziploc.

1 cup sugar
1.5 t ground cinnamon
1 t ground cloves
1 t ground all-spice
0.5 t ground ginger
0.5 t salt
4 eggs
18oz evaporated milk (= 1.5 tins)
0.5 t vanilla extract

10. Bake for 15 minutes at 425, then turn the oven down to 350 and bake until a knife inserted into the middle comes out clean. In my oven, with a pie the size mine turned out to be, this took about 40 minutes. Invite some friends over for dessert, and enjoy!

(I got my recipe from this website. The author has plenty more fun pumpkin ideas on her site!)

Little deaths

2010-10-07T10:58:00.005-05:00

When I last posted, I meant to write about England and Bible Course, since both had recently happened. I spent so long going through my England pictures that I ran out of steam for Bible course, so now I'm playing catch-up again!

Four days after getting home from England, Mark's whole class left Tulsa for a New life Ranch a couple hours East of here. We spent a week there for Bible course; each day we had different speakers talk to us about some aspect of faith, medicine and the combination of the two. We also had the opportunity to do the ropes course there at the ranch, which was super-fun and filled with enough adrenaline to last the rest of the week!

One of the 'team-building exercises' was belaying for each other so no-one would crash to their death from great heights :)

Climbing Jacob's Ladder. the rungs got further apart as you climbed higher, and the vertical 'beams' were actually just metal cables. Made for a pretty tough climb!

Zip-line :)

The teaching we received was for the most part very inspiring and challenging. ("For the most part" because one of the speakers seemed to have a personality that I find very difficult to get along with, which made what they had to say more difficult for me to accept.) I think the one point that stands out to me the most from all of the teaching was something Dr Chris Berry (an Image grad) said while talking about weaving our faith into the way we practically live out our lives. He was talking about the love of God, and the facts that a) this love was most clearly demonstrated by His death on the cross, and b) we are called in John 15 to "love each other as I have loved you." This means that if we are truly loving the way Jesus does, there will be times that it feels a little like death to us. This is so counter-intuitive to me. When I hear the word 'love', it sounds warm and happy and fuzzy to me. It doesn't sound like dying! But when I am really and truly loving, this will often mean putting aside my own selfishness and sense of self-importance, and replacing those things with somebody else. And that sounds more like dying! But the reason that those little deaths are ok is that whatever I do for the least of these, I am doing unto my Jesus who, ultimately, is the One I want to love.

Now to put it into practice....!

There and back again

2010-09-27T17:18:00.011-05:00

I am home.

Finally!

I have spent the last month travelling, and I think this might have been the first time since moving to the States that coming back to Tulsa really and truly felt like coming home. I think that going back to England will always feel like going home ... but it's nice to know that coming back to the States does too.

After Anna and I had been in England for two weeks, Mark joined us for the last four days of the trip. Then we flew back to Tulsa and had four days at home to unpack, do laundry and repack before heading out again for another week.

England pictures first :)

Anna loved going to Marlow to feed the ducks and swans on the River Thames

She got lots of attention from Gramee and Grandpa!

Family picture sans Mark :(

Picnic on the Rye with Steph, Adam and his sister Laura.
(note the absence of rain in any of these pictures...!)

Anna's first baby doll!

One couch, four generations! Grandma was able to fly in from Canada for the wedding

Going for a walk through some of the gorgeous English countryside near where my parents live. Pushing Anna's stroller was a fought-after treat!

What would a trip to England be without going to the pub...? Matt and I went to watch England play one night. I love getting some good brother-time in :)

And good sister-time - Steph's hen night! (English for Bachelorette party)

Fun times had by all, especially Steph! :)

Decorating her wedding cake the night before the wedding, eek!

The Big Day! Beautiful Steph, proud Dad.

The wedding party outside the church. It rained all morning, but just as their wedding ceremony started the sun came out :)

All the girls!

The prettiest flower girl ever. In my humble opinion. She walked into the church holding Mark's hand. I didn't get to see it, since the bridesmaids came in after her, but everyone said she looked very cute :)

Well, that's a little glimpse into our time in England. I think I'll save the rest of my catching up for later!

Sugar and spice and all things nice

2010-09-08T04:05:00.002-05:00

This post title is in reference to my sweet baby girl. I am posting from England - woop! - which means we recently flew here. On an overnight, 9-hour plane ride. Without Mark. And got hit with monstrous jetlag which Anna is still not over. And are living in a house smaller than ours at home, with 5 other people (6 when Mark gets here) and only one shower!

But Anna has been such a trooper. She is inundated with new people and foods and environments every day, but is still a bundle of chubby happines and (for the most part!) good moods. She isn't sleeping very well at night; we're sharing a room, last night was the first night in two weeks that she slept through the night, and she's been waking up between 5:30 and 6:30 every morning. So we regressed to a 3-nap-a-day schedule, which is working well and she's taking three really good naps every day.

She is such a blessing to me. It is hard being away from Mark. Even though it's only two weeks. We were laughing at ourselves for having grown soft in our five years of being married; when we were dating, we wouldn't see each other for 6 or 7 months at a time, and now two weeks apart feels almost unbearable! I think part of what makes it hard is that I'm living as a single parent in my own parents' house. There is inevitable conflict in this, which I did forsee and kind of prepare myself for, and which we experienced last time we visited. But it's pretty different when Mark's around to back me up and rub my shoulders when things are stressing me out!

We're having a lot of fun, though. The weather's been gorgeous, we've gone to a lot of my favourite childhood haunts, we're getting wedding stuff accomplished, Steph had a rockin' hen night that came together really well even though I was planning it from Tulsa, it's been AWESOME to get to hang out with Steph and Matt, I've gotten to go watch England play from the comfort of the pub down the road with a pint of delicious cider in my hand, I've caught up with really good friends... life is good :)

We've skyped a couple times with Mark, and Anna gets SO excited to see him. It's hilarious. She tries to poke his face and share her juice with him, and she jabbers away at him and says hi ... and every day she goes and finds this family picture with Mark in it, that my mom has on the mantle, and points at his face and waves at him. Super-cute. [See? Sugar and spice :) ]

So all in all, England is awesome. Predictably :) Pictures coming soon..........!

That tiny boy

2010-08-20T05:48:00.003-05:00

Today is Friday again. It's hard to believe another week has already gone by. But it has .... and they will continue to do so, one by one.

And what a week it's been! Emotionally, it has been [as you are coming to expect from me :)] pretty turbulent. There have been days that I have gotten through and felt totally ok at the end of them - paired with days that I've certainly made up for my afore-mentioned 'control' and lost it several times during the day. At the slightest mis-spoken but well-intended word, at something Anna does that just makes me want another little mini-her to watch grow up and do goofy things, at a song or something I hear on the radio. Like the other day - I heard a letter written from the perspective of a 6-year-old to his mom on the first day of school. It was filled with little phrases and messages that I expect would have been very comforting for a mother in that situation to hear, but it just made me fall apart and I could not for the life of me reach over and turn the dumb radio off! "Don't worry, mom, I know today is hard for you and you feel all alone when I'm gone, but this is somewhere I have to be right now. But I am thinking of you and my face is still covered with all your kisses (oh, what would I not give to kiss that little face!), and I'll come home and hold your hand at the end of the day."

Sigh. See what I mean?!?! Basket case on the highway, powerless to turn it off.

Physically, I am doing better now. I had two consecutive nights of waking up having hours of contractions and feeling like my entire uterus was bleeding out. The contractions felt like when I had Anna; I had to focus on breathing through them, try different positions to relieve the pain, just like a normal labour and delivery - but without the promise of a baby at the end! Fruitless. After those two nights the bleeding didn't really start letting up, so my doctor scheduled me in for a dilation and curettage (D&C) yesterday. Had I not been travelling to England early next week I don't think we would have made that arrangement ... but it was something that he and Mark and I all felt better about under the circumstances of my travel plans.

I wasn't excited about the prospect of having a D&C. I knew that especially after those two nights of contracting, the start of our baby's little body was not still in my womb, and I have received a lot of reassurance from Jesus that He is holding our tiny boy. But something still felt to me like this would be the day that he died and I lost him, because of something I (kind of) chose to do. In the very appropriate words of my good friend Amanda .... suckfest.

The procedure itself went really well, according to my doctor's report to Mark while they both waited for me to wake up from my rather long Anaesthetic-induced nap! I'd never been under general before, but I apparently don't have any kind of wacked-out adverse reactions to it, for which we're thankful. I'm not having any pain now, although I am single-handedly keeping Ibuprofen in business! :)

I don't (for two days in a row now...!) feel like my world is still falling apart, and I feel more sociable. I think I mentioned before that if you had any idea of what Mark and I were going through, it became slightly more acceptable to hang out. But otherwise, I pretty much didn't want to see you if you weren't family! I think that although I dreaded having the surgery, and definitely had a lot of pre-conceived notions of what my emotional state of being would look like as a consequence of the D&C, God in His mercy has redeemed it and made it a time of closure and healing.

One of the things I anticipated from the D&C was losing the feeling of still being near to our baby. Even though I knew he wasn't here any more, and really hadn't been since his tiny heart never started beating, I still somehow felt close to him. (Although, as I mentioned in a previous post, that feeling didn't really start till after we found out for sure that we were having a miscarriage.) So I was afraid that having the procedure would take that away from me. But, in His seemingly endless mercy, as Mark drove me away from the hospital I was so very aware of not only God's closeness to me, but also our baby's. Is this theologically sound? Who knows. I certainly don't, but you would be hard-pressed to convince me that what I experienced didn't happen on theological grounds!

As we ate dinner last night, Mark was sitting next to Anna's highchair feeding her, and all of a sudden this feeling of Jesus and our baby being near to me became very intense. And I realised that I could sense an almost palpable presence in the room with us. Now - this is something I didn't see with my physical eyeballs and retinas, but I know that God was opening my mind's eye to be able to see what I was sensing. (Poor Mark - he just sat there feeding Anna, waiting for me to stop bawling and explain what was going on!) Jesus was standing in the kitchen with us as we ate, and he was holding this little bundle in His arms. Anna started laughing at her own goofiness, as usual, and I saw a little arm poke out of the bundle to grab and wave in her direction when she laughed. A fold of the blanket moved and I could see a little chubby face with skin a little lighter than Anna's, and big dark eyes. He didn't look like a newborn - I guess time in Heaven is like time in Narnia or something :) - but more like a 4 or 5 month old baby. He was a little chubs, with those alert eyes that can really look at you and see you. He didn't ever take his eyes off of Jesus' face, though, to look over at us. And I think that made me happy. I know he was aware of us, because he waved at Anna ... and that was enough for me. He has something that I will never be able to - a life lived entirely and fully in the presence of Jesus, captivated by His face, from the moment he became alive. What more is there that a mother could desire for her child? Of course I miss him with my whole heart - indescribably so - and will still have broken-hearted days, and would give almost anything to hold him in my own arms rather than being a spectator ... but I could never wish him to leave the arms that are now holding him.

I will see you again one day, sweet boy ... I love you so much!

TGIF

2010-08-11T22:23:00.003-05:00

Well, I've made it through this week. Today is Friday. It's almost the weekend. Wednesday was the hardest day yet. I was supposed to go get a repeat blood draw to confirm that my HCG level was falling (as would be expected in a miscarriage). I went to the lab at my doctor's office once Anna and I were up and ready first thing in the morning, only to be told that there was some missing paperwork and they couldn't do my bloodwork. For some reason, I absolutely could not handle that. I burst into tears and drove straight home - even though my doctor's office was just down the hall and it would've been a relatively simple matter to just go find out what the confusion was. That was a totally insurmountable task, compared to my tiny reserve of coping ability! I cried all the way home, all the way through Anna's naptime story and lullaby, and sat on my bed and cried for who even knows how long. I cried when Mark came home to have lunch with me, cried when he prayed over lunch, cried when he left, cried on the way back from Walmart, cried while I made dinner ... I think I cried twenty different times on Wednesday. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm swinging between mustering up enough hold-it-together-ness to complete simple household tasks, and feeling like my world is falling apart. I know that it will not always be like this. I know that His mercies are new every morning. I know that my baby is in a better place and that I will see him one day. I know that we live in an imperfect world that is waiting for redemption. I KNOW all of those things!

But my heart is still breaking.

Two days later, and I'm feeling a little better. I think I only had one meltdown yesterday. Thanks for the encouraging messages ... it really helps to know that people are praying. I don't feel especially sociable (yesterday and the day before, unless you were either Mark, Anna or Jesus coming to tell me He's going to do a miracle and bring our baby back, I definitely wasn't interested in seeing you!), but it really is good to know that there are people there when I'm ready to hang out again. I still feel like my level of functioning is limited to just surviving rather than being on top of things, but in the last couple of days I have at least accomplished going to Walmart, dusting and vacuuming my house, and doing some laundry. And getting myself and Anna (and today Riah) through each day without totally falling to pieces. I am planning on going back to the lab today to get my bloodwork done. For real this time. I just feel like my ability to cope with even the simple things in my life is reduced to 'minimal'. My phone is not syncing with the Mac, and I feel like throwing them both out the window; the babies both just started making noise after being asleep for 30 minutes, and I feel like smacking their heads together if they do it again! These are not normally feelings I struggle with!!

Sigh.

I think part of it is that I'm hormonal and my body is in that post-partum stage of trying to reset itself ... on top of grieving. And I'm trying to find a balance between being able to go through a healthy grieving process and still coping with my life and taking care of Anna and Mark. I wonder more and more how people go through this who don't know that they can call on the Creator of the universe for help.

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

A mega-post. You've been warned!

2010-08-10T16:41:00.006-05:00

This is a series of posts that I have been writing but not publishing over the last month or so. The condensed version is this: in June we found out that we were adding a baby to our family, but this last weekend I started spotting. I called my doctor who saw me on Monday, did an ultrasound and found no heartbeat. Labs have confirmed that we lost the baby. It has been a rollercoaster month filled with hopes, doubts, and waiting.
I know that for most of you this entire last paragraph is all new news ... and I apologise for delivering it via the internet. While I would love to be able to tell all of our friends personally, it's just not a conversation that I can bear to have over and over and over again! But we do want you all to know.

So ... that is today's news. If you would like, feel free to read through my thoughts over the last month or so ... but be warned that there are plenty of them!

7/13/10
This year for Fathers Day, Mark got what we thought was the bulk of his gift a few weeks in advance. I was out garage sale-ing and found this awesome propane/charcoal grill, complete with a half-full tank of propane, for $20! Of course I snapped it up, and we've been enjoying it ever since :)

On the actual day of Fathers Day, Mark got home around 8am from 24-hour call at the hospital and found a second gift waiting for him - a positive pregnancy test!! I have taken SO many tests in the last 8 months or so, and (clearly) they have all been negative ... until now! I can't even describe how excited I was when that second blue line appeared in the window :) And of course Mark was ecstatic too ... our little family is about to get one baby bigger! We went to the clinic that afternoon and Mark did an ultrasound to see if we could figure out how far I was, since my LMP wasn't looking to be very reliable, and it looked like I was about 4 weeks. Putting my due date about Feb 27th of next year.

Over the last few weeks, though, my feelings about the pregnancy have kind of changed. I think that as Mark and I were talking about it, I figured out at least how, if not why, I was feeling so much less excited about it. Actually, 'disconnected' was the word that felt the most accurate. So far, the only experience I have had with being pregnant resulted in Anna. So when I think about being pregnant, I identify that feeling with Anna. Now that we already have Anna and can look at her toddling around and playing with us, it's almost as though my mind is saying "well - why be pregnant again? Pregnancy results in Anna, and Anna's already here!" I don't know whether that really makes sense to anyone else ... but it's the closest I can describe to what's been going on in my mind!

We've been going back to the clinic once a week to do ultrasounds, and so far all we've been able to see is a gestational sac. I'm about seven weeks now, and we probably should've been able to see a fetal pole by now. The gestational sac is growing each time we check, and I'm pretty sure we saw more than this with Anna by this time. That kind of worries me. I have my first appointment with my doctor in two weeks, and Mark and I decided that we wouldn't do any more ultrasounds till then. It's making Mark more anxious than me, I think, and he said that he didn't really want to be the doctor when he's supposed to be the daddy. I was praying about the baby yesterday, and kind of wondered at God whether part of the reason I didn't feel nearly so attached to this pregnancy as I did with Anna, could be His preparation for bad news when I go see Dr Ross. It's very possible that Mark and I conceived, the embryo implanted but it stopped developing, and we may lose the baby. That would be one explanation for a growing gestational sack but no baby that we can see inside of it. I'm praying that if that is the case and God is preparing me, that He'd keep giving me and Mark the grace to deal with it ... but that if this isn't from Him that he'd change my heart and my feelings.

So now it's just a waiting game, I guess. We've told our two families that I'm pregnant, and one or two close friends, but we're probably going to hold off telling everyone else till we have some definite news as far as the baby's development. I'm writing this now but not posting it till after my appointment ... I'll probably post it regardless of what the news is, but I wanted to write things down while they're fresh in my mind. And while Anna is sleeping so I can think straight without having to stop and make sure she's not exploring her way to an injury :)

7/19/10
It has been almost a week since I wrote that - and it's been a week of rollercoaster emotions. Until yesterday, I think the predominant emotion that I had was still feeling very detached from this pregnancy and baby. Almost to the point that I didn't think I really was pregnant, despite pulling out my pregnancy tests and double- / triple- checking! I am feeling about the same now (physically) as I did in my early pregnancy with Anna; tired a lot, swinging between feeling constantly hungry or else grossed out by the thought of food, sore boobs, peeing a lot ... the typical early trimester stuff. My psychological state of being, however, is polar opposite from how I felt with Anna. Not excited, not 'feeling pregnant', not attached to the baby. And not feeling guilty about those feelings! This is something that I found very surprising; a month ago, if you had told me I would be feeling this way now, I would probably have started feeling guilty just at the THOUGHT of feeling this way!

Two things happened this week, though, that particularly impacted me. The first was something a good doctor friend of ours said when Mark and I were having dinner with him (he is an adjunct faculty member at Image where Mark is training). Having had some experience with loss of a baby, he said to us, "Well, you can know one thing at least. You will get to hold this baby. Whether it is now, when it's born and placed in your arms, or in heaven. You will get to hold the baby." That really struck me. I suppose the reality of this child suddenly sank in a little. Whether or not I 'feel pregnant', a little life got started and will continue to live. Be that here with us or in heaven with Jesus, I don't yet know. But it will exist for all eternity as my child!

The second thing that happened was part of our church service yesterday. We have been journeying through the subjects of healing and suffering recently. The resounding theme has been that regardless of the presence or absence of healing or suffering, God is good and His love for us is unimaginably huge. (That sounds very cliche as I'm re-reading. I do not mean to sound trite, and it has been a very insightful and well-handled series of sermons that is far beyond simply a collection of Christiany platitudes.) Towards the end of the service, little yellow pieces of paper were passed out. On these, we were invited to write down something (or things) for which we needed to wait on God, and rest in being able to trust in His goodness whatever the outcome. We were given the opportunity during a time of worship to take the piece of paper to the front of the church and leave it there, symbolising relinquishing our 'control' over it and our desire to wait on God's outcomes. One of the things I wrote was "my baby". Mark and I walked to the front together to add our papers to the sea of yellow on the floor ... and suddenly, it was gut-wrenchingly difficult for me to let go of it. I did, eventually, after standing and bawling for what felt like an eternity, and nothing miraculous happened. In fact, I felt as though I was already grieving for this little life, now that I'd given it over to God. (As though He hadn't been holding my baby since the beginning of time...) But throughout the course of the day, I felt a sense of peace filling my heart. God is in control, He is good, He already knows the outcome of my appointment with Dr Ross, and one day, I will get to hold this baby.

7/27/10
Well, today was the day of my appointment with Dr Ross. It was - until he called in sick and his office had to reschedule me. I'm so disappointed! I feel like these last two weeks have been the longest of my life - waiting to find out whether or not my baby is ok. That's not a small deal to me! I'm rescheduled for a week from today, which is really not an extremely long time to wait, but it sure feels like it is. Mark managed to finagle a couple hours off work this morning so he could come with me to see Dr Ross, which he's unlikely to be able to do next week since he'll be working at the hospital. We talked for a few minutes this morning and we may try to get one of his classmates to perform an ultrasound at the clinic this evening after work. I feel like I just want to know ... you know?!

I'm still feeling physical symptoms - tiredness, some nausea etc - and my emotional state of being is a little more stable. And a little more favourable towards the baby, which I'm taking as a good thing! (Just to clarify, my problem has never been not wanting the baby. I want this baby! It is that I have never 'felt' in my mind that it was actually real. I think that is an important distinction to make.)

So ... maybe I'll know something more definitive by this evening. Maybe not. The waiting game continues, and I need a nap.

7/30/10
We have a baby! This evening we got one of Mark's colleagues to ultrasound me after work. We explained the situation - that we thought I was about 9 weeks and that at 7 weeks we still hadn't been able to see a fetal pole, and that my OB appointment had been pushed back another week. So we took another peek, and the first thing we saw was a tiny, white dot in the middle of the gestational sack: our little peanut! However, judging by the size, I am probably close to 4 weeks earlier in the pregnancy than we thought I was. By seven to eight weeks a heartbeat should be present, and the baby is nowhere near being large enough to detect a heartbeat. That puts me at around 6 weeks and moves my due date from the end of Feb to the end of March. [Which, for those of you more medically oriented people, means that Mark found a gestational sack that first time at around 3 weeks! Mad skillz :) ]
On the way back from the clinic I was listening to the radio, and that Mark Schultz song 'Child of Mine' was playing. I'm not a massive fan of his, but the lyrics seemed to be coming straight from God to this little baby.

"You are a child of Mine
born of My own design
and you bear the heart of life"

Welcome to being alive, little peanut!

8/10/10
I had some very light spotting this weekend. We called my doctor, and he called in a prescription for me that might help. He also told me to come see him on Monday (yesterday) for an ultrasound to check on the baby. The good news - by yesterday the spotting had pretty much stopped. The bad news - Dr Ross wasn't able to find a heartbeat. We're not exactly sure of my dates, since I only had one cycle between re-starting after Anna and getting pregnant. But based on the date I took the pregnancy test, we're pretty sure I'm at least 8 weeks. By which time you can definitely see a heartbeat. So we're fairly confident that we lost the baby. I'm doing some blood tests over the next couple week or so to measure the level of pregnancy hormone in my blood (quant. serum HCG), with the expectation that it we'll see it start to drop again. Dr Ross did tell us that he didn't want to totally rule out the possibility of a weird ultrasound that we just happened to take on a 'bad' day, and that he wants to wait for my bloodwork to come back before absolutely settling on a miscarriage, but the chances of that are pretty slim. Mark and I are firm believers in the power of God to bring life to lifeless situations, but we also know that we live in a fallen world and that bad things do indeed happen to good people. God has given me a somewhat out-of-place sense of peace about this ... it doesn't mean I'm grieving any less (I've cried at about a dozen different things today and it's only mid-afternoon!), but I know His presence and I have peace. Peace with tears.

8/11/10
Dr Ross called me last night and told me that my bloodwork was back. It confirmed that we lost the baby. It was what we expected to hear, so in a way it wasn't a difficult phonecall to get through. And in another way it was the most difficult one I've ever had.
Yesterday was a really tough day. I felt very emotional; partly because I think the news is still sinking in, but I feel like a lot of it is also hormonal. It's crappy to go through post-partum stuff without having a baby there to make it all worth it.
Something that I didn't expect to happen is that now that I know the baby is gone, it suddenly feels real to me. I never felt like the baby was real while I was carrying it ... but now that it's with Jesus I totally know that it's real and alive. We both feel like it was a boy, and we'd named him even before finding anything out this week. My grieving feels different from experiencing a death; it feels more like missing someone who is temporarily gone. Like when Mark and I were long-distance and we wouldn't see each other for months. I loved and missed him, and hated not being with him - but I knew that I'd see him again in six months. It feels like that. I just miss our baby. Anna is getting lots of lovin' these days ... I look around the house at her cluttery toys that don't match my decor and get under my feet when I walk around the house - and I'm so unspeakably grateful that they're there!
And speaking of that little bug ... I think she's awake. I'm gonna go grab her and smooch those big fat cheeks. If you made it all the way to the bottom, well done. And thanks for staying with me. I mean that.

It's Monday morning...

2010-08-02T09:14:00.002-05:00

... and all seems well with the world - or at least, my little corner of it :) I love days like this. Since I left the workforce (hallelujah!), Mondays aren't the dreaded first day back that they used to be. But it's still the start of a new week, Mark is back at work, my to-do list starts over, and it still feels like a kind of first day back. So far, I've gotten to sleep an extra hour (thanks Anna!), got up and made that little girl some delicious yums, remembered today is bin day - before the bin-men got to my part of the neighbourhood, victory - made a mango-strawberry-banana smoothie, mug of coffee and slice of Nutella toast for breakfast, and am now sitting down to enjoy breakfast while I listen to Anna playing in the next room. There are days that I miss nursing ... but today is not one of them! I am so thankful for my amazing husband who gets up at 5:45, goes to the hospital to pour himself out taking care of other people and teaching interns how to be good doctors for 13 hours a day, and comes home exhausted - so that I can stay home and enjoy taking care of Anna. I know he'd likely be doing those things even if he wasn't married and didn't have a child, because that is what God has called him to do. But we recently had a very enlightening conversation in which I got a little glimpse into the difference it makes to his motivation for getting up in the mornings when he knows that his paycheck is what keeps the bread and butter on the table for his family. Yup ... I married a good 'un.

Five years!

2010-07-27T09:55:00.003-05:00

Last Friday marked the fifth anniversary of the day Mark and I got married! It's hard to believe it's been that long already! Five years ago we were entering the unknowns of being married after a three-year transatlantic relationship, moving to a city neither of us was familiar with, and starting medical school.

Lots of change all at once is considered a good thing, right...? I hope so, because that seems to be a pattern we're falling into in our marriage! Four years in, we graduated from medical school and nursing school, had Anna, moved house, started Residency and I became a stay-at-home mom. All within 6 weeks!

But it has been good ... so good. Even with the difficulties and challenges, these last five years have been such a testament to God's goodness and ever-presence. My life is a continual reminder to me that this earth is not my home. CS Lewis and God sum it up well when they write (respectively):

"If I find in me a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." (Mere Christianity)

and

"All these people died still believing what God had promised them ... They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. ¹⁴ Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. ¹⁵ If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. ¹⁶ But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland." (Heb 11)

When I lived in England, part of my heart was here with Mark. And now that Mark and I are together, part of my heart is still in England. And I made my peace with that a long time ago. It is a reminder to me, though, that neither England, Tulsa, Mark or wherever we end up on the mission field, are my true home. I'm still waiting for that! But in the meantime, I love that we just celebrated five years :)

Mark planned a surprise weekend trip to Kansas City. We were in KC a year or two ago for a medical conference, and I loved the downtown areas we got to see, but didn't feel like we really got to spend time exploring the city because of the conference. I guess Mark tucked that away, and brought it back out when he was planning our anniversary weekend :) We stayed right in the heart of downtown, and got to walk through the city and explore to our hearts' content. We left Anna with Mimi and Papa for the weekend, and had the freedom to eat when we wanted, sleep when we wanted, wander through downtown after dark without worrying about our poor baby's bedtime ... :) The highlight of the weekend, however, was that our anniversary weekend in KC just happened to coincide with my favourite football team in all the world, Manchester Utd, being there! So I got to see them play live against the Kansas City Wizards :)

I just love that Mark knows me well enough to pull off an anniversary weekend involving going to see a football game. It definitely wasn't the tropical all-inclusive beachside super-romantic getaway that girls always want (and that in other circumstances I would not turn down!). But he knows me well enough to know that given the choice between a cruise and watching Man Utd play live, I'd be in that stadium in a heartbeat :)

So ... thanks for a perfect anniversary weekend, neener! I loved it, and I love you.

Thoughts on a food fight

2010-07-19T18:38:00.004-05:00

So we have entered a new stage with Anna: a departure from her previous unquestioning obedience and acceptance of what we put in front of her. This has so far only come up at meal time and bath time; meal time in that she has developed likes and dislikes for certain foods, and bath time in that she doesn't want to get out. This is very new and unlike our previous mild-mannered, obedient child! Yesterday when Mark started to get her out of the tub, she started flailing around and kicking water everywhere, and when he laid her down on her towel and wrapped her up, she got this (admittedly adorable and hilarious!) pouty face and wouldn't look at him.

I am still trying to figure out what approach I want to take with her when she pouts or throws a mini-fit ... I obviously want her to understand the role of child and parent, and how obedience and respect play into that relationship. But I don't want to entirely stifle her ability to say no and assert her opinion, because at some point down the road I want her to be able to stand up for herself! I read recently that her ability to say no to peer pressure and bad influences in the future depends on her having the freedom to say no earlier in her life as well. I don't think I subscribe to this view, because on the one hand she is acting out of obedience to a higher influence than the one that is tempting her, and on the other hand she's placing her own wishes and feelings over her obedience to me. So I don't think that if I stress obedience when she's young, she's going to end up rebelling and giving in to all kinds of awful temptations as soon as she's faced with them! My intention is definitely to raise children who are well-mannered and obedient, and can respect my God-given authority over them even when it clashes with their own desires. However, I do want them to know that I will take into consideration their preferences and opinions when I'm interacting with them, and I don't want to shape our kids' personalities into something that's rooted in legalism and fear of punishment. I want them to know and experience grace and forgiveness as part of their daily lives, because that is how my Father is raising me!

I know this may all sound a little heavy, bearing in mind I started this blog talking about bath/meal-times and we've had a total of about 3 little fits so far! But something else I read recently that I definitely do subscribe to is that when parents raise their children, they need to do so bearing in mind the kind of adult they are aiming to see their child become. All of the little choices we make when we raise Anna and discipline her, and the little habits we develop in our interactions with her, will have an effect on the adult she will one day become. That kind of makes me want to do it right! How do parents cope who don't have the perfect Parent to follow....?

I am no longer married....

2010-07-03T07:14:00.004-05:00

... to an INTERN!!

As of July 1st, Mark is a second year resident. This will mean a slightly lighter schedule, less call at the hospital, a (marginally) larger paycheque each month, and more time at home! This would be a little more exciting if his first weekend as a second year wasn't his call weekend for this month ... but that's ok. He has a month of working 8-5, with some half days sprinkled in there, so we're not complaining :)

The last weekend of June was the annual Image Summer Retreat - a weekend away to welcome the incoming interns, send off the graduating third years, catch up with returning alumni and enjoy the pool and lake at the retreat center! This is Anna with one of her little friends that came to hang out with us for a couple hours during the retreat so her parents could take the older kids horseback riding! It is so much fun watching Anna interact with other kids now - her personality definitely emerges more strongly when she's playing.

In all honesty, I actually have kind of mixed feelings about the retreat; we usually end up more tired at the end than we were at the start and don't get to spend a whole lot of time together because of various meetings the residents have to attend, but it's still a fun weekend.

And speaking of fun weekends ... happy 4th of July to those of you who celebrate it! It's kind of a funny holiday for me, but hey - I'll take it if it means parties and an extra day off for Mark :)

Chillaxing

2010-06-17T08:33:00.005-05:00

Well, summer is definitely here! I don't remember the last time I was able to take the babies outside for their morning walk - it's already so hot and humid by the time morning naps are over that I just can't bear the thought of wearing my Moby wrap and lugging Anna while pushing Riah in the stroller! To compensate for walking, though, we've been swimming a lot recently; Mark's parents put a pool in in the fall, and it's definitely added to the reasons I'm glad we still live within 4 miles of their house! Anna LOVES the water, and I'm probably going to get her a little inflatable pool to put on our back patio so she can swim here too. Mark's schedule this month has been surprisingly nice, considering the fact that he's technically working nights. He works an overnight on Sunday, sleeps all day Monday, then works a 24 hour shift from Monday night till Tuesday night. Then he's home all day Wed/Thurs, and has clinic Friday mornings. We're loving having him around! We've gone swimming, taken Anna to the Aquarium using our family pass that Mark got her for Christmas (which she loves at least as much as swimming), grilled, watched lots of good World Cup football - this is made more awesome by the fact that Anna has a little England shirt! - had picnics together ... as Calvin and Hobbes would say, "The days are just packed!" :)

We're starting to look for tickets to England for the fall - very exciting (though somewhat pricier than when Mark and I routinely flew back and forth before getting married!), mainly because the reason for our trip is that Steph is getting married! We're super excited, both for Steph and Adam, and just to be back in England again :)

Anna seems to have had a 'developmental growth spurt' recently; all of a sudden she is very good at walking only holding ONE of our hands instead of clutching both for dear life, she talks pretty much all day and sounds just like us (with intonation, phrases of differing lengths, different 'words' that mean different things etc), she will happily play by herself in her play-yard for a good 25-30 minutes, and I think the amount that she understands is rapidly increasing. We often play "where's Anna.... there she is!", and have done that for months now, but all of a sudden when we substitute in other words for Anna she can find Mama, Dada, Sushi (her fish), her blankie, her tiger, her books.... and is good at following commands. It is crazy to me the rate at which her little mind is developing and expanding. I LOVE getting to watch that all day!

Well, I need to go shower my poolwater off so we can go out for sushi (uh ... actual sushi. This could become a problem!) when Mark gets back from doing manly man things at Lowes. As I said - the days are just packed :)

Home away from home

2010-06-11T09:30:00.003-05:00

Most of the time, having now lived in the States for close to 5 years (!), I feel totally at home here. There are some seasons/events that slightly dilute that feeling - significant events taking place in the lives of my family members in England, struggles with the immigration process here, conversations in which Americans bash all things socialised or declare the American way of life far superior to anyone else's (particularly when said American has never left their country of birth to experience the cultures they are so willing to bash) ... and major international sporting competitions. In this case - the World Cup.

Now, before you start thinking I'm about to launch into an anti-American diatribe of some kind, let me just acknowledge that every country has its own biases and of course focuses in on its own little segment of international events. However, few countries that I have experienced indulge in this to the extent that the US does! I am not expecting to find other England fans roaming the streets of Tulsa wearing their home flags as capes, like I would in Wycombe. It just makes me sad that I live in probably the only country in the world whose population, for the most part, is totally oblivious to the fact that the first World Cup game kicked off an hour ago!

I miss England today. I miss walking down the street and seeing half a dozen pubs flying the national flag and touting their World Cup watch-parties and game-specific happy hours. I miss seeing pictures of various nations' WC squads plastered across every newspaper in the country, the double-spread bracket page that every kid in the country has blue-tacked up in their bedroom to fill out as the competition progresses, the way every TV and radio station incorporates the WC into their broadcasts and will stop regular broadcasting to announce game updates. I miss that low-level excitement that is the baseline pretty much anywhere you go in the country. The anticipation that maybe, just maybe, this will be the year that England brings it home again - but even if we don't, that there's an entire nation of people who are staunch, patriotically English, and drunk enough to proudly wear the three lions anyway! (Or to rip their shirts off and paint massive red St George's crosses on their beer bellies/chests and show THAT off instead!)

I'm so thankful that the Crouch family is so into football. I know it may seem trivial, but to me it's not. It is so comforting to me that while I may miss out on a lot of things I would love to be there for on the other side of the ocean, I will not be watching any World Cup games by myself!

COME ON ENGLAND!!!

Road Trip!

2010-05-24T14:26:00.004-05:00

Something that has daunted me a little since Anna was born is the thought of taking her on a road trip. She is normally a pretty laid-back, flexible kid as long as we don't stray TOO far away from her normal routine, but I couldn't quite picture her being in a good mood sitting in her carseat for endless hours while we drove across the country!

Well ... this last weekend was time to test her endurance. We drove to Illinois for Grandmama Crouch's funeral. She passed away on Tuesday morning, at the age of 100. We are grieving for her, but rejoicing at the same time. She had an incredibly close walk with Jesus and was able to recite Psalm after Psalm until just a few months before she died, and we know she is with her Saviour now. It was heartbreaking to see her confined to a nursing home bed not knowing what was going on around her, so although we miss her, we are happy that she is home.

The drive from here to Illinois is about 9 hours, and Anna handled it like a champ! She had a grand total of about 20 minutes of bawling on the way there - potentially a result of the molar we didn't realise she was cutting! - and hardly complained at all on the way back. I am SO thankful for her - she is such a delight to me!

I am realising, though, that parenting has been pretty easy thus far and is about to start getting complicated! She is old enough to start disciplining, and I am becoming aware of the monumental amount of wisdom needed not only to do this in the correct way, but to combine Mark's and my two different upbringings and opinions on the subject! I am so thankful that we have the perfect Parent to model ourselves after.

Here are some of her birthday pictures that weren't ready when I last posted; we had a little picnic on the night of her birthday, and then on the following Saturday we had a big cook-out and had a bunch of friends and family to help celebrate. Her birthday theme was ladybugs, since she's been Daddy's little bug since she was a couple weeks old. I made her little birthday dress the morning of her party!

Birthday cupcake!

Opening fun presents :)

Sweet girl...

A precious girl, a resolution and no tornado

2010-05-13T07:43:00.013-05:00

I mention tornadoes because although we didn't have any during this last spate of storms, the sirens (which I have never before heard except on sunny Saturday afternoons) woke us up at 4:30 this morning to announce the presence of -- rain. With wind and thunder, yes, but no tornadoes!

In other news ....

Today my sweet baby girl turns one!

I am so grateful for the last year that I have gotten to spend with Anna. She amazes me every day, and while she will always be my baby, she also seems so grown up. She calls me Mama, she uses sign language for 'please' and 'all done' correctly, she understands and (mostly!) obeys 'no-no', she can put her spoon in the dishwasher, she loves other babies and children, she has a sense of humour already, she is becoming braver about walking with her push-along toys, she can go underwater when we go swimming, she loves looking at books (especially her childrens Bible!) and pointing at the pictures. She gets so excited when she sees a dog or cat that she nearly throws up, and she loves being outside - especially when she feels the wind on her face. Yesterday she found a paper-towel and tried to help me clean up Riah's spit-up from the floor and my leg! She grabs my fingers at least 20 times a day to go for a walk, and loves her new-found crawling independence :) She recently started doing breaking out some baby dance moves (you know ... bobbing up and down in one place when she hears music!). When she hears a prolonged loud noise - the vacuum, driving with the windows down etc - she feels it necessary to match the noise. She has shouted for entire car-trips around town just because I had the windows down and it was noisy!

Here are some pictures from Anna's first year of life ... enjoy!

(Oh - and my resolution? To be better at keeping my blog up-to-date over the coming year. Predictable, I know. But needed!)

Anna was born at Hillcrest in Tulsa, on May 13th 2009 at 00:51 after 22 hours of labour.

Aunt Tiffany babysat for a few hours and took some pictures!

Anna's first weeks included several pool trips ... mainly involving Auntie Megan!

Steph was her first trans-atlantic guest :)

Anna's dedication at Believers Church when she was a month old, while mom and dad were in Tulsa

Starting solids on her 4-month birthday!

My Grandma flew in from Canada to meet her Great-grand-daughter....

... shortly followed by Steph and Matt :)

Trip to the pumpkin patch

And a trip into the pumpkin!

Anna's halloween costume :) We dressed up as Alice, the Mad Hatter and the Caterpillar.

Anna Clause

Mark almost got snowed out on Christmas morning ... but thankfully, after walking four miles in the snow, got home just in time to help Anna open her stocking! What a good daddy :)

Good times in the snow on Christmas day!

She went through a hilarious fish-face stage

Her first plane trip! We went to England at the end of January, and she did so well on the plane! This picture was taken at 2am after having travelled for over 12 hours - bright and cheerful!

England family

Back home in time to celebrate St Paddy's day

Anna's first picnic, in our back yard :)

Easter-egg hunting with daddy!

Anna and Riah in their Easter outfits. It's going on the wedding slideshow...!

She LOVES Mimi's pool :)

Birthday waffles & syrup this morning were a big hit!

Sweet girl, we are so thankful that you are part of our family. May God bless your next year and guard your heart as you learn more about Him. We love you!

The end of a short but sweet relationship

2010-02-23T13:36:00.006-06:00

This past weekend marked the end of my relationship with my car.

On Saturday afternoon, I cut my head open on the corner of the front door while unloading a bunch of stuff. That was ok. The cut wasn't bad, the edges came together well ... we got over it. But it was the beginning of the end.

Sunday morning was rainy - a fact I did not give enough weight to when driving to church. I hit a pool of surface water on the highway, hydroplaned and spun out, lost control, and slammed my car into the median. Thankfully, I did leave a good amount of distance between me and car in front, as did the people behind me, so no other cars were involved. But there was a lot of front-end damage, and I am pretty darn sure that my car will not be re-joining our family. The airbag deployed - not in my face, as I would have expected, but against my forearm. Which I suppose makes sense, since my arms are between the airbag and my face. So I got a little powder burn from that, but seriously - I am so grateful that that's all. Once the car stopped moving it was crunched into the central median, perpendicular to the direction of traffic. My immediate thought was that if any other vehicles hit the water too, or couldn't stop and hit us, Anna was in the back seat. So I ran around and pulled her out and then just stood there in the rain, bawling and staring at my car! That lasted for about three seconds, because the man in the car behind me came running across the highway and grabbed Anna and put her in his jeep while I got my phone and purse out of the car. Thank the Lord for people who stop and make sure other people are taken care of. The man and his wife (I don't even know their names! Wait - he was John. I never heard what HER name was, though!) drove us off the highway onto Harvard, and I called Mark while they called the police. Anna was crying before I could even undo my seatbelt to get out - I think more from the shock of it than any actual injuries. I got her out of her carseat as soon as we drove the jeep off the highway, and looked her over. When Mark got there he did the same, and we both came to the conclusion that she was ok. We watched her pretty closely for the rest of the day, but she continued to eat, pee, poop, squawk, sit and flap, pull up and stand like normal. Thanks, Lord.

Thankfully, Mark was just in between surgeries when I called him. So he told his attending he'd be leaving to go pick me up (thanks, Dr McGee!). The police got there within less than 10 minutes, and once they got there the other couple left me in their capable care. Mark got there 10 or 15 minutes after that. Someone called a wrecker, who brought me the car so we could get Anna's stroller out of it, and that's the last I saw of it :( I'm sorry, little car!

So now I'm waiting on a call from the insurance adjuster to find out whether it's going to be totalled or if we can repair it. I'm so bummed - we bought this car in October. We'd made all of 4 payments on it. It was a 2005 model with just over 60k miles on it - a really good car! It was going to be our big family car, it had awesome safety ratings (for which I will be eternally grateful!) .... so, I'm bummed.

However, I'm also thankful for a lot of things: we are both alive and well; no other cars were involved; I was not using cruise control, so as soon as I took my foot off the gas the car started to lose speed; I did not remember to fill up at the petrol station on the way to church, so I didn't just blow a full tank of gas (!); we did not yet do the several hundred dollars worth of scheduled maintenance that we were planning to get done this spring; it was raining, which I'm thankful for because the couple that picked us up said there were sparks and even some little flames shooting out of the car; Mark was not in the operating room when I called him; the police officer just wrote a crash report instead of giving me a $200 citation (I nearly fell over when I found out I could have gotten fined for having a wreck! Talk about kicking a horse when it's down!); my insurance pays for a new car seat for Anna; the bank who financed the car in the first place required that we had full coverage on it so all we have to take care of is the deductable; Luke and Tiff just replaced one of their vehicles but haven't sold the old one yet so we are borrowing their extra car .... so we're in a bad situation car-wise, but it could have been a LOT worse. Again - thanks, Lord.

The morning after the wreck, I woke up with possibly the worst pain in my neck that I've ever experienced (except giving birth. But that wasn't my neck.), so I spent the day eating Ibuprofen with an ice pack wrapped around my neck. This morning I felt like a new woman! I am all about ice and NSAIDs. I will probably still go see a good friend of ours who is a DO (Doctor of Osteopathy), though - just in case. And, insurance will cover it. Sweet.

So, little car .... it was a beautiful relationship. I'm so sorry it ended the way it did. I'm hoping we can recover you, but you probably shouldn't hold your breath. Thanks for getting scrunched so that I didn't. RIP.

That little Bug...

2010-02-10T21:19:00.003-06:00

... is almost 9 months old! How did that happen? I have never - until now - understood the mothers who say "My baby is a year old already! Where did time go?!" My train of thought usually went something like, "Come on. Really? It's an entire year! How did you not notice it going by?!" However, now I am that mother. (Well, I'm a little premature. She's still only 9 months old. 'Only'...) In a couple days she will have been outside of me for longer than she was inside of me. I feel like this is a significant milestone to reach. It makes me feel a little bit sad. But also excited. Anna has learned SO much and has grown and developed at such an incredible rate that I can barely do more than sit and be amazed when I look at her. She pulled up on me today; she loves standing, and is good at reaching for things and getting to them. She sits in her Bumbo and gives herself her bottle [rarely; I love snuggling with her while she eats :) ]. She has crossed the Atlantic ocean twice (yet is so far from being able to crawl that I doubt she'll ever make it before just learning to walk) and has mastered her pincer grasp and therefore also Cheerios. She is getting tired of her bottle and wants to eat what we are eating; her face lights up with excitement when she sees me dishing up dinner for me and Mark. She conveys a thousand different feelings and emotions on her face, and loves being outside so much that she could happily live as a nomad.

I have been thinking a lot recently about the privilege and responsibility it is to stay home with her. I know that parenting is totally a two-person job. But the vast majority of Anna's waking hours are spent with me. And as such, I have a massive responsibility and influence over how her character grows and develops! Our pastor spoke a couple months ago on the task of parenting, and recognising and drawing out the potential in our kids. He pointed out that while Mary was the one woman in all of history that was chosen to mother the Son of God, and that Joseph was the only one entrusted with the task of fathering this Child whose father he was not, who were the people who prepared Mary and Joseph to be Jesus' parents? Two people looked at Mary and saw in her the potential for something amazing - and nurtured her to step into that potential and thrive in it, and mother the Creator of the universe.

What is God calling Anna to? What qualities will she need in order to follow His call on her life? And what kind of a mother do I need to be in order to help develop those qualities in her? Is there a task that could be more daunting, challenging, fulfilling, joyful, fun and awesome than raising that little Bug?

I love you, sweet girl!

Praying hard

2010-01-18T21:44:00.002-06:00

Well, Mark is in Haiti. We haven't heard from the team today, but we know that they arrived safely on Sunday morning after leaving Tulsa on Friday afternoon. There was a hold-up on Saturday morning when they were supposed to fly from Fort Peirce in Florida to Haiti, because of the bottle-neck situation at the Port au Prince airport. But they're there now, and I'm checking my emails every 15 seconds to see if the contact person at the clinic has heard anything from them yet! The missionary contact that they had planned to work with in Haiti didn't pan out, so the team from In His Image is working with the Salvation Army to provide medical care to survivors. I am partly very jealous that he got to go and I am staying home with Anna ... but at the same time, I feel like he is there representing both of us. I certainly feel like my mind and heart are over there till he gets back (and probably for a good while afterwards too), even if my body is not!
I have felt very peaceful about him being gone; I am most aware that he's not here in the evenings because he's never at home during the day anyway, so I'm not pining away all day by myself or anything! I am very conscious of the fact that the head of my home & family is not here, though. I don't quite know how to explain it. The word 'covering' best describes it, I think. Now that Mark is gone, I am very keenly aware that he is the head of our home and our little family, and that a such he provides a spiritual covering for me and Anna. I'm not saying I'm under some kind of attack now that he's gone, because there are so many people praying for me and us right now that I feel very well taken care of. But it still feels different. I'll be glad when he's back on Sunday. (Hopefully Sunday, anyway!) And then .... England!

A month of Firsts

2010-01-08T17:12:00.032-06:00

Well, it's been a month since I said I'd be better at keeping this updated, and what a month it's been! Anna's first Christmas, my first WHITE Christmas since moving to Oklahoma, the first time we got to hold our beautiful, precious godson, Anna's first tooth, Anna's first passport, the first of the year, our first time to see Smackey since his diagnosis of thyroid cancer, our first full month in the new house, our first official family picture since Anna was born.... we've been busy!

Here are the promised family pictures and Christmas pictures:

Tiff and one of her photographer friends took Crouch family pictures when everyone was here for Thanksgiving. Here's the three of us, Anna and all her cousins, and the Crouch Family Massive.

And here are Anna's Christmas pictures in her cute little Anna Clause dress :) I took them myself at home and was super-excited about how they turned out! The first two are the ones I chose for our Christmas card; I think the other two are cute too but they definitely didn't make it onto the card! Funny girl....

I love it when she starts to get tired and sucks on those two little fingers ... she looks so cute! (Her poor hands get so chapped, though - poor babesy!)

What a little cutesie :)

We had our Crouch family Christmas a little early on the 19th. We all went to this Amish farm outside of Tulsa and had a huge Amish feast together! It was delicious, delicious, delicious and I'm definitely pushing to be reincarnated within the Amish community. They believe in that, right....?
After the meal we went back to John and Jan's house to do gifts for the kids. Anna got some exciting new toys, clothes and books, but seemed to be more interested in eating the wrapping paper that they came in! That's ok - Mama and Daddy were excited for her :)

Mark was scheduled to work 5am-5pm on Christmas Eve, and our plan was to meet at the Candlelight service at our church after he was done. But it started raining in the morning, which by lunchtime had turned to sleet, which by the evening was a full-on blizzard! I'm talking huge fat snowflakes travelling sideways in 40mph winds, settling on the ground faster than you would believe, and hiding a layer of sleety ice that had frozen to the ground earlier in the day. You may not be surprised to hear that Mark called me around 6:30 to say his car was stuck spinning its wheels on a hill a mile away from home (along with a lot of 4WD pickups and SUVs - poor little Hyundai didn't stand a chance!) and he didn't think he was going to be able to make it back that night. I was SO bummed - he'd worked really hard to trade shifts with someone so he wasn't working overnight on Christmas Eve, and it was for nothing because he wouldn't be home anyway! He thought he would have to spend the night in the car, but a couple guys helped him push his car off the road onto a sidestreet that sloped downwards in the general direction of his parents' house. So he spent Christmas Eve there :( We skyped that evening so he still got to see Anna in her little Santa dress and listen to her Bible story before bed, but it wasn't quite the same! He decided to see if his dad would be able to drive him home sometime on Christmas Day ... but apparently changed his mind at some point during the night, because at 7am on Christmas morning the doorbell rang and Mark was standing on our front doorstep!! He had gotten up at 5am, bundled on all the extra clothes he could find at his parents' house, and walked home through 4 miles of snowdrifts and ice so he could be home on Christmas morning!! Talk about husband/daddy of the year award :)

Christmas morning at our house:

This is what Mark had to walk through to get home! But he made it in time to help Anna open her stocking :)

Anna and Christmas in the mirror that is still sitting on my floor because I haven't figured out where it goes in the new house yet!

After opening presents, Mark's dad picked him up (in the 4WD Jeep!) to see whether the two of them could pull Mark's car out of the snow and up onto the driveway at their house. Anna and I went along for the ride, and Anna got her first sleigh-ride at Mimi and Papa's house! We had to come up with a makeshift sled, though, because all the real ones were missing - sad! That's ok, we still had a lot of fun :)

Just after Christmas, on the 28th, we were able to welcome into the world our sweet godson, baby Zechariah Lee Crawford! I am in love, and hopefully Anna will soon be as well since she and Riah are delighted to announce their future engagement! :) He had to be under bili lights for his jaundice for a little while, so he has a lot of blue-tinted pictures! He is gorgeous, though, and we're so excited to finally meet him.

I mentioned Smackey's diagnosis ... he found out at the end of last year that he has thyroid cancer. This came as a TOTAL shock to us, and we were really devastated at the news. However, he and Megan are totally trusting in God for their future and they're totally inspiring me in the way that they're dealing with this news. He is scheduled for surgery on January 25th ... send up the prayers! For those of you that know Smackey and Megan, you can see their updates on their blog at http://www.thesmackeys.blogspot.com
Seeing him over Christmas was AWESOME, but also hard. More so for Mark, I think, since Smackey has been one of his best friends for so many years. But we're praying and trusting God for successful surgery on the 25th!

And that, I think, sums up the last month or so :) Steph is flying in for a few days at the end of this month, and then we'll be heading across the seas to take Anna on her first long-haul flight (eek!) to see England! We're excited .... it's been two and a half years since we were back! England, prepare to meet the most beautiful little babesy in the whole world :)

Time flies...

2009-12-10T18:51:00.028-06:00

... all of a sudden, it's December and I have an almost-7-month-old! Here she is, because I know you're more interested in seeing her than reading what I have to write :) In fact ... she's doing so many new things now that I'll just post some pictures and let you see what we've been up to over the last three months.

Going swimming for the first time when she was three months old ...

Getting to meet Great-Grandma in September was so much fun!

We also got to meet little Clover May in September - Anna's cousin/half-sister! (Since their daddies have the same genes, genetically Anna and Clover are half-sisters!)

Anna's four-month birthday came and went....

... and with it came the start of both cloth diapers and solid food! (Two points to note: don't start solids and cloth dipes at the same time ... and while her first spoonfuls of rice cereal were technically on her four-month birthday, she wasn't quite ready yet so I waited a few weeks and we started for real a little before five months.)

Our good friend Nicole (Anna's godmother) was admitted to the hospital with pre-term labour (she is back home now and has made it to 37 weeks, praise God!), so we spent a lot of time at Hillcrest hanging out with her.

Just before Anna turned five months old, she got to see Uncle Matt (for the first time!!) and Auntie Peck! Steph and Matt spent nearly two weeks with us, which was wonderful.

Uncle Matt and Jess bought Anna a Jolly Jumper - and she loves it! It took her a little while to figure out how to jump, but now she goes bouncing all over the place :)

We had a fun day with Christy and her girls at the zoo:

What a wonderful way to spend ten days ... we're so thankful that they got to come!

What next? .... Anna turned five months old, and mastered the art of solid foods properly this time:

We celebrated Halloween by dressing up as Alice in Wonderland, the Mad Hatter and the Caterpillar, and hung out with Luke & Tiff and Kris & Nicole for the evening. Kris and Nicole got to dress up as people who didn't have to stay in the hospital any more!

We went to our first pumpkin patch with Anna's friends Esther and Eden (and their mom Josephine, whose husband works at In His Image with Mark), and picked out a pumpkin to make pie with :) That one little pumpkin provided us with pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, and pumpkin puree for Anna!

What a pretty punkin :)

And speaking of pumpkins ... Tiff took fall pictures of Clover and Anna, which we thought was significantly more fun than the two babies did!! She got some really good pictures, though.

Then Anna turned six months old (six months!! How is that possible?!), we moved house, Mark had a glorious week off in November which we spent doing a little road trip to see our friends the Geidls and enjoying Thanksiving. Anna sat up by herself on her 6-month birthday, what a big girl!

And that, I believe, catches me up on the last 3 months that I've missed! Sorry for the massive post and the speedy catch-up ... somewhere in all of that I also took my nursing boards (I am now a real live RN!!), found a house and a car, packed up our house and am partially finished unpacking everything in its new location, became (by some mysterious process...) small group leaders at our church, survived three more months of Residency, and got most of my Christmas shopping done!! We've been busy, but we're looking forward to our first date night in several weeks this weekend :) (Complete with babysitter - even better!)

Soon to come - Christmas pictures, family pictures and - hopefully - pictures of our new baby godson (Kris & Nicole's son Riah) who could make an appearance any day now!

This new chapter....

2009-08-17T13:40:00.005-05:00

... Being a stay-at-home mom is, so far, probably my favourite time of my life. For the first time in years and years, I don't have any kind of pressure to be getting work done, studying (well, technically I suppose I should be studying for the NCLEX, but it's not quite the same!) ... I love it!

Anna is changing and doing new things every day. She's three month old! She has found her hands and feet, has rolled over from her back to her front several times (not OFF of anything yet, thankfully!), she grabs at her little toys that hang above her, she smiles, sings and talks ALL the time, her little head is sturdy enough to put her facing outwards in her baby carrier (with a blankie rolled up to wedge her in since she's not chunky enough to fill the whole thing!), she can let me know when she's mad vs tired vs hungry vs bored, she can stand up for a couple seconds at a time when we hold her up on our laps ... she's getting so big and clever! I LOVE watching her change every day. I still haven't solved my work/not work dilemma - but I'm feeling more and more reluctant to take care of other people's loved ones all day when someone else is taking care of mine. We'll see.

I'm spending my time cleaning and sorting the house - going through all those stacks of paper that piled up over the last 14 months, updating our filing system, getting rid of all the junk that accumulated while I didn't have time to do anything sensible with it.... going on playdates so Anna can make some friends.... and I'm also looking for a new car and a new house. (Woah, nelly - one big purchase at a time!) Our second car right now has no air conditioning so poor Mark is just dying while he drives around in our Oklahoma 105-degree summer weather, the check engine light is always on, it makes funny sounds and smells while being driven .... it's time for something a little more reliable! And on the house front, we had been planning on not moving till November since that's Mark's next 'light' month. But we're trying to find a place sooner than that so that our current house can be made available for a family that has need of temporary housing soon. So, I'm house-hunting. And should probably, therefore, start thinking about boxing things up.

Mark is busy trying to contain his time at the hospital to within his legal 80 hours per week ... and, so far, failing!! He is on one of the busiest rotations he'll have this year, so he's pretty tired when he is at home. Luckily he enjoys what he's doing and is happier when he's busy. We're both looking forward to November, though, because (somehow!) he managed to get Thanksgiving week off!

Well, that's about it for now. No spectacular news ... just happy days at home with that sweet girl :)

Mullings

2009-08-05T17:13:00.005-05:00

I've been thinking about work. Mainly, whether or not I want to do any! (Paid, that is...) I have graduated from nursing school and I'm planning on taking my boards sometime in the next couple of months, but Mark and I decided that I wouldn't start the job hunt till after Christmas. This will give me some time with Anna, which has been pretty hit-and-miss since she was born. Lousy school. Having spent a week at home with Anna being a stay-at-home-mom, the question of whether I want to get a job at all has entered my mind. Now, before you flip out that I'm making this decision based on one week's experience, I have neither made a decision nor am I naive enough to think that the rest of Anna's babyhood will be as delightful as these last few days have been! However, the wheels have been turning regarding my future role. Or roles.

The debate in my mind is between the following two issues: 1) being at home full time will allow me to invest fully into the life of my child. I will not have to depend on anyone else to follow our routine, discipline techniques (once we actually begin to implement them!) or parenting philosophies. Also, I will never have that slightly guilty thought of "What if she's having a bad day?" when I leave her with someone. I have been on the receiving end of that with other people's kids and did not kove it! 2) Going to work will provide a needed boost to our income, will allow me to make use of the training I've received - twice! - and will provide me with a challenging, stimulating arena in which adult interaction takes place. Plus I love being in the clinical setting. That's why I went to nursing school in the first place.

I think that my priority is to be fully invested in raising Anna and not take for granted that someone else will be as committed to taking care of her as I will. I just don't know whether I can do that while I spend 12-hour days taking care of other people. However ... I do believe that God called me into nursing, and gave me a love for it. Does that mean I have to sacrifice some of what I can sow into Anna's life if I stay at home with her full time?

These are my mullings today .... any thoughts?

An end and a beginning

2009-06-04T17:20:00.012-05:00

I am no longer pregnant ... beautiful Anna Sophie is here!! She was born on Wednesday May 13th at 51 minutes past midnight, but her story of being born should probably start on the Monday, two days before she arrived.

(A word of warning: this post is partly me journalling so that I'm able to look back and remember all the things that were important to me about Anna's birth ... so it's likely to get fairly lengthy! Feel free to drift in and out of my ramblings, or just skip to the pictures!)

As you know, I've been in school the whole time I was pregnant. I took my spring semester finals the week before Anna was born, but I still had two papers to turn in by that Monday. I spent the whole weekend working on them, turned them in on time on Monday, and went and got my prenatal massage that Mark got me for Christmas (!) - and loved every minute of it :) Mark and I had scheduled in a date night for Monday, since I was finally done with my semester, and went to The Garlic Rose to celebrate; after dinner was dessert at the hangar with Smackey, Megan, Kris & Nicole. It was an awesome day - totally relaxed (once I turned in my school work!) and fun. The weather was gorgeous, and I got to spend the day with some of my favourite people.
I woke up that night at 3:15 convinced I had just peed a little. I leaped out of bed and ran for the bathroom (to the extent that a 9-month-prego can either leap or run) ... and discovered that I was definitely not peeing but rather going into labour! I wasn't contracting at that point, so Mark and I debated whether or not to go to the hospital yet. We spent about an hour just hanging out and making sure we had everything we needed packed and ready to go, but by 4:30 I wasgradually starting to have contractions and we were both getting a little antsy about the risk of umbilical cord prolapse (Which was not incredibly likely, particularly since I was still feeling the baby move, but would have been an emergency had it happened. Sometimes having a medical background is more of a hindrance than a help...).
We arrived at Hillcrest a little after 5am on Tuesday morning. We got checked in through triage (by a very funny, large black lady who didn't approve of Mark's neat but tiny handwriting and made me redo the paperwork he filled out so she could read it without having to put her glasses on!) and were taken to our labour and delivery room. I had an awesome nurse, but only for an hour or so until the night shift ended. My day nurse was another story...!
I was dilated to about 3cm, and I was having very bearable contractions about every 5 minutes. Dr Geidl and I had talked about intermittent monitoring rather than continuous, which meant that (against my nurse's personal preference) I was able to get up and walk around with my IV pole, as long as I came back to my room and got re-attached to the doppler for 15 minutes every hour so we could check on Anna's heartbeat. By lunchtime my contractions were getting stronger and I was starting to have to focus through them. I had a little bit of food (also against my nurse's preferences - "This is a very very very VERY bad idea!" - but ok with my doctor and definitely ok with me!) and did some more walking in the hallways with Mark. I had some visitors to help pass the time - Laura and Mer came to say hello, a couple of our friends from Image who were working stopped in to check on us, Kris & Nicole were in and out, and Tiffany was there too a little later.
By about 3pm, my contractions were strong enough that I had to breathe through them. But when my nurse checked my cervix again, I had hardly dilated at all since the morning. Dave came in and checked on me, and said we would probably have to start me on Pitocin, an IV drug that augments labour. I knew that contractions with Pitocin are a lot harder and faster, so I'd been hoping I wouldn't have to have any ... but since my water had broken 12 hours ago and I hadn't progressed more than 1cm since then, I understood the decision. I think I got started on the Pitocin around 4 or 5, and sure enough, contractions were a LOT more difficult! I was using the birthing ball a lot, which I liked, and we also put my Labour playlist on the iPod to help distract me, but each contraction felt like it was taking my whole quota of strength so I wouldn't have any left for the next one! I remember sitting on the chair in my room, facing backwards and leaning over the back of it with Mark and Tiff rubbing my low back each time I had a contraction, wondering how people got through this alone!
My nurse came to check me again around 8, at which point I thought I was dying, and told me I was about a 4+. Something in me broke at that point, and I told them I'd like an epidural as soon as possible. That was something Mark and I had taked about during my pregnancy, and we had concluded that I'd try not to have one but we were open to it if I ended up needing one. So I asked for it, still feeling a little guilty but knowing that there was no way I could go through any more hours of those contractions without something for the pain! The anesthesiologist came up to my room fairly quickly, and even though I dreaded the thought of a needle in my back, I don't even remember it being painful compared to contracting! I did have a contraction while he was putting it in, which was awful, but managed to stay in my hunched-over position, grabbing Mark around the waist till I thought I was probably inflicting some kind of internal damage to his organs! Once the epidural was in, I felt like I was in heaven. I could feel tightening during each contraction, but no more pain.
At 9 my nurse checked me again - and I was complete! Immediately there was a flurry of activity as the delivery tray and bassinet were wheeled into the room, my doctor was called and everything was made ready. Once Dave arrived (extremely soon after being paged - I'm pretty sure he broke every speed limit between home and Hillcrest!), I started pushing. I was able to feel the contractions enough to know when to push with them, but I still wasn't sore. I was excited that the final stage in this whole process was starting ... but after an hour of pushing with each contraction Dave suggested (and Mark agreed!) that I take a break, since there was still no sign of the baby. I took a 30-minute nap till about 10:30, at which point the nurses and Dave and also Dr Keller, an Image faculty, came back in. I also found out that the entire Crouch family plus Kris and Nicole were all waiting out in the lobby - even Jan, despite the late hour! I started pushing again, and at some point had to have an oxygen mask because the baby's heart rate was dropping. I had to turn onto my side to help increase the blood flow to my uterus, and I kept listening to the baby's heart beat on the monitor. After more pushing, Dave & Dr Keller decided to use an intra-uterine pressure catheter to see whether my contractions were forceful enough to actually push the baby out. (The IUPC was just a little wire that they attached to my uterus to monitor contractions, and it fed to a screen that they could see.) They also attached a fetal scalp electrode to the baby's head to monitor how it was doing during contractions. They established that our poor baby was stuck at one of the parts of my pelvis; there's a ridge that its head has to pass below, and that's where it was stuck. By about midnight, 3 hours after I started pushing, I could tell that people were starting to get concerned. Mark was by my side the whole time, encouraging me to push, and at this point he started telling me I had to push harded because we really needed to get that baby out. I knew people were starting to think about the possibility of a C-section, but *thankfully* no-one ever mentioned it out loud! After a while a little head full of dark hair became visible, which gave me the energe to push a little harder. Finally, just before 1 on Wednesday morning, Dr Keller produced a vacum (out of nowhere; I'm sure there wasn't one in the room prior to the second it was in his hands!), Dave gave me a quick episiotomy to try to contain my 3rd-degree tear, and with the next push he helped me deliver our gorgeous little Anna Sophie! (So we went from wanting a natural childbirth to having Pitocin, an epidural, IUPC, fetal scalp electrode, episiotomy and a vacum-assisted delivery! Every trick in the book except a section!) She was born at 00:51 on Wednesday May 13th, weighing in at 6lb 12oz. Mark cut the cord, the nurse towelled her off and gave her to me, and I finally got to meet the little person that had been growing inside of me and kicking my guts around for the last several weeks :)
After snuggling with her for a little while (while my episiotomy was being sewn up!), the nurses took her over to the warmer and cleaned her off properly, weighed her, tidied up her little belly button and made sure she was breathing ok. Her APGARs were 8 and 9, which is a good score. Finally they gave her back to me, and her proud daddy got to go call in the troops - who were *still* waiting in the lobby! Everyone piled into the room and fell in love with her (appropriately so :) ... Kris prayed over Anna and me and Mark while we were all there together, and then everyone went home to get some over-due rest!
I was moved upstairs to the post-partum unit, and we got settled into my room there around 3am.
We ended up staying in the hospital until Friday afternoon because Anna had jaundice and her bilirubin levels were staying high for a while. Also, her blood sugar was a little low (left over results of my gestational diabetes) so she had to have tube-feedings to stabilise her glucose. But after the first day or so she was eating better and her poor little cone head started to go away so she looked better too! We're totally in love with her, but can already tell that she's going to be hard work - we're tired but happy, and we'll see what the next few weeks look like once they get here!

Are we nearly there yet...?

2009-05-10T16:07:00.006-05:00

Here are a couple pictures - I'm up to my eyeballs in school work that's due tomorrow (what else is new?!) so I don't have time to write anything on here ... but these are my first Mother's Day pictures!

Don't squeeze that baby out....! :)

Tiff and I comparing bellies!

The things no-one tells you about pregnancy

2009-04-11T13:07:00.002-05:00

Even if you are not over-balancing and falling over because your center of gravity is nowhere near wherever it used to be, it will still feel like you are. If I had a dollar for every time I was poised, motionless, at the top of a staircase, looking over the edge of my monstrous belly to see where the first step was and suddenly felt I was falling down the stairs so began flailing my arms and grasping at the air - only to find I was actually still exactly where I had been for the last 5 seconds but was now also frantically waving my arms ... I would have a lot of dollars.

Getting out of bed is no longer an auto-pilot action that can be carried out while still more or less asleep. It requires shuffling your massive weight to the edge of the bed, rolling onto your side, dangling your feet over the edge, using your dangling legs as a counter-weight to pull your upper body into a sitting position, then sitting there on the edge of the bed for a minute while your baby and amniotic fluid re-equilibrate into a vertical position ... while using your remaining powers of concentration trying to not pee till you reach the toilet.

Unless you make a list of things that are important to remember, you will forget something. Once you have made your list, however, there is still only about a 50% chance that you will remember to do the things on it. This is true of to-do lists, grocery lists, lists of people, registry lists, and lists of things to pack before leaving the house.

Never congratulate yourself on making it x number of weeks into a pregnancy and still having room in your body to expand your lungs enough to breathe. All of a sudden, the next day you will find yourself gasping and out of breath while sitting still, and wondering how you ever used to do something as vigorous as folding laundry without an oxygen mask on!

Along similar lines, you will one day have to choose between satisfying your enormous appetite, and breathing. There is not enough room in there for both food and air.

Never be too proud or independent, once you can no longer reach your own feet, to ask for help putting on your shoes and socks on the way out the door! This will result in you struggling for several minutes (and becoming later than you already are because of your scatterbrainedness) while others try not to laugh. You will end up asking for help anyway, but will have looked like an idiot first ... plus spending that long scrunched over your belly trying to reach your feet is likely to result in you totally smashing what little lung capacity you have left, and passing out on the floor.

Being stretched tight across a watermelon-sized belly results in your skin becoming sunburned after about 1/4 of the time you would normally be out in the sun! Lather on that sunscreen!

Everyone in the whole world has ultrasounds for eyes (except you) and can tell what gender the baby is. And will proceed to tell you right after you've told them you're waiting to find out so you can be surprised.

Pitter-pattery little feet

2009-04-04T10:57:00.012-05:00

We got to have another ultrasound last night - our baby's still cute :) We went to the clinic with Kris & Nicole, and Mark and Kris did all the measurements again to make sure we're still on track with the growth rate, which we are. So thus far my gestational diabetes hasn't been causing any problems, thankfully. (Other than to my diet, I mean!)
The baby weighs 4lbs 11oz according to the ultrasound calculation, which is already heavier than Mark was when he and Luke were born! They were 4 or 5 weeks premature, though, and there were two of them sharing the growing. Babycenter says that this week the baby is about the size of your average cantaloupe ... and yes, that's about what it feel like I have in my abdomen! I'm starting to feel those 'end of pregnancy complaints' ... low back pain, sore legs if I'm on my feet all day at the hospital, feeling general discomfort because my belly is so heavy, having to wake up at night just to roll over in bed because repositioning takes so much effort...! No stretch marks yet, though, for which I have mom to thank since they're a genetic trait :)

So here's our baby's right foot - 5 toes and everything! Not that I was in any doubt that its feet were in good working order - I get a thorough pummeling every time this kid wakes up! Because it's getting more crowded in there, it's harder to get those good face/ profile pictures. Plus, the way it was curled up made it hard to get to the face regardless. But Mark and Kris managed to coax a pretty cute face one out too :)

It's a little harder to tell what the face is (although I, without a touch of motherly bias, can say it's definitely getting cuter!), but the baby's laying on its side and the darker of the two dark circles is its right eye. It's fat little cheek is to the left of that in the picture, and then the nose and mouth and other eye get a little fuzzier. See? Too cute!

Mark has been gone for this last week and he'll be gone again for the coming week, so it's nice to have him back for the weekend. We went for a walk along the river yesterday afternoon to enjoy the gorgeous weather, and ran into the parents of one of Mark's friends since high school. By the end of the conversation, we had a free crib that their last grandchild just outgrew! During the conversation they asked how much longer before the baby gets here, and we established that it's about 40-45 more days - how crazy is that! I don't know whether school has made pregnancy go by quicker or if being pregnant has made my school year fly by, but I feel like the last 7 or 8 months have disappeared into nowhere in a heartbeat.

We had our last childbirth class this week - we got a recommendation for a really good natural-birth class and have been going for weekly classes all this month. (Well, last month I suppose, since it's now April.) I feel a lot more confident about going through labour without pain meds now, although I'm still open to an epidural if I end up needing to be induced. I know contractions that have been induced are a lot more intense, so I may change my mind about not having any medication if that ends up happening! We'll see.

Here are some of my maternity pictures from Nikki - I love them! She has a kind of different editing style from Tiffany, but I really like them both. Thanks girls! :)

Maternity portraits

2009-03-29T19:24:00.021-05:00

Here are some of my fun maternity pictures :)

Tiffany took these; she and one of her photographer friends Nikki did my pictures a couple weeks ago. I have about half of them back - these are a couple of my favourites!

I love the way this one turned out; I quasi-stole the idea from one of my friend's engagement photos (though she wasn't prego in hers so it looked a little different...!) Thanks Megan :)

I had a dream a couple nights ago that Mark and I decided to do a 'trial run' of giving birth - which for some reason ended up becoming the actual birth (surprise surprise!) rather than just a practice run! It made me chuckle when I woke up ... but also made me really look forward to getting to meet this baby in 7 or 8 weeks!

So far I haven't had any total strangers come up and rub my belly, which I have been warned several times will start to happen at some point ... but what I do find odd is strangers making predictions about the gender! So far the general consensus of the American public is that we're having a boy - I guess they will just have to wait another month and a half to find out if they were all right!

Spring Break!

2009-03-17T17:54:00.010-05:00

I've been counting down the days till spring break for a good few weeks now ... the last couple weeks have been pretty busy ones with school work and rotations. But it keeps the time flying by, and makes me treasure this week off all the more!
It's definitely looking like spring over here - the grass is turning green again, daffodils and that funny purple flower that covers our lawn are out, and the temperature right now - at 6pm - is a gorgeous 81 degrees!

We've had a little bit of time for some fun in between being busy; two of our really good friends Smackey & Megan just got married and we got to help out with the wedding weekend, Mark took me to see a Gordon Lightfoot concert a couple weekends ago (a Canadian singer from my dad's music collection, who I consequently grew up listening to and who has become one of my favourite 'oldies but goodies'!), and I got my maternity photos done today, one of which this one is actually not; I really wanted one like this but we ran out of time today so I did this one myself at home!

Also this week we get to find out where Mark will be starting Residency in the summer. It's a pretty significant event in the life of a medical student, since the Residency program he matches into is where he'll be receiving his speciality training over the next three years. We find out for sure on Thursday where he matched, so we'll be either staying in Tulsa (but probably buying a house rather than staying where we are now) or moving to Wichita, Kansas. OU is hosting a luncheon on Thursday where we'll find out, so we're a little bit pins-and-needlesy this week! By now I'm just ready to know, though ... we've been going back and forth between the two programs he ranked first and second for so long that I just want to know for sure where we're going so I can start planning!

I've started accumulating baby equipment; I have a chest of drawers/ changing table in the garage that I want to repaint while I have some time over spring break, and I'm hoping to buy a crib this week as well. I inherited a couple bags full of infant boy clothes and I'm about to get some girl ones from my sister in law (as soon as her own cute girl grows out of them!), and things like baby baths and bouncy seats and diaper bags (and diapers!) are starting to pile up in the baby room. It's fun to see it all start to accumulate :) I have a couple baby showers on the horizon, which I suspect will increase the amount of baby supplies we have floating around the house!

I can barely believe I'm 31 weeks already; only 8 or 9 left to go, depending on whether or not I need to be induced! At my last OB appointment my doctor said that since my blood glucose levels have been so good and that the baby is weighing in where it should be (rather than getting too big too quickly) he doesn't think he'll have to induce me unless I start going past my due date. The baby weighs a little over 3lbs now, and is approximately 16 inches long.

Mark and I have started going to childbirthing classes, which we're actually enjoying so far; I was a little concerned that it would mainly consist of things we already knew, but we've learned a lot of helpful pointers as far as managing pain without having an epidural (which is, so far, what I'm planning for). The baby is moving around more often, and it's definitely starting to knock the breath out of me! It gets the hiccups nearly every day, which I found funny at first but now makes me feel kind of bad! Poor baby. I've been having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions, too - never anything regular or painful, just one of the most uncomfortable sensations I've ever had! That's ok, though - it's giving my uterus practice at contracting, and giving the rest of me the chance to practice breathing & relaxation techniques every time I have one! It almost doesn't seem real to me yet that at some point in the not-too-distant future I'm going to actually start having real contractions, go into labour and end up at the hospital with a baby. In a way it seems like I can't possibly have already been pregnant for nearly 40 weeks, but at the same time I feel as though I've been pregnant for so long that that's just how it'll always be...! Not in a bad way; I've loved being pregnant and I think I've had a really good and easy pregnancy (thanks Jesus!). I suppose I'll have to figure out a way to convince myself that it's just a few weeks now until I actually have a baby to look at and touch. Until then I'll just keep stocking up on diapers and onesies and wondering what to do about a name!

27 weeks ... and feeling it!

2009-02-16T10:16:00.010-06:00

Well, I've gained an inch or two in circumference and a pound or two in weight since I last posted in January (or about 3 inches and 5 lbs!), and my baby is now the size of a head of cauliflower :) I'll have some real pictures by the end of this week, maybe, but in case I don't get time to post them and this week eats me alive, you'll at least have a visual of *some* kind. I have started clinical rotations again - this semester I have critical care (various intensive care units) and inpatient psych - so in addition to classes two days a week I'm working two 8-hour days at the hospital. I love critical care so I'm enjoying the semester so far ... I'm not so keen on psych, though, so that may be an interesting few weeks. Getting up at 5:30 in the morning to get to the hospital by 6:30 is something I was dreading, but it's actually proving to be pretty manageable - certainly more so than when I was doing it during my first trimester!

Here's how fat I am now ... I had just gotten back from the gym, the effects of which I quickly counteracted with a cookie! However, tasty treats are now a thing of the past because this last week I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes (GDM). The test for it is a routine screening that all pregnant women get and my risk of actually having a positive result was extremely low since I don't have a family history of diabetes (that we know of) and I'm not normally overweight. But sometimes it can just happen. In regular diabetes, the body either doesn't produce enough insulin or can't effectively use the insulin that it does make. Since insulin regulates the amount of glucose in the bloodstream and converts it into energy that cells can use, problems with insulin levels mean that blood sugar levels are too high. Which isn't a serious problem for me - a) because it just means I need to stick to a low-carb/low-sugar diet for the rest of my pregnancy and b) once the baby's born GDM usually goes away - but all of the extra circulating sugar in my bloodstream could mean that our baby grows bigger than it should and has to be delivered by C-section. It might also have some problems regulating its own glucose levels right after it's born, so that's something that will need to be monitored while we're in the hospital. So ... having GDM isn't a huge issue, but it is something that we need to watch and I probably won't be posting any more pictures with cookies!

Other than that, things are progressing the way they should ... the baby moves *all* the time now, and it feels like it's learning to crawl while it's in there! I can feel it bumping into my pelvis and my ribs at the same time, so it's getting pretty long. I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions for a week or so now, so I guess my uterus is starting to practice for the big day. It doesn't hurt - it does feel very tight and uncomfortable, though! I'm starting to need pillows to prop my belly up while I sleep; I can only sleep on my side, which makes my belly fall down to the side I'm sleeping on - if this sounds at all comfortable, be assured that it's not!
Ha - I'm finding myself falling into that 'mother-pattern' of talking about children - the ones who spend 15 minutes complaining about all the back-breaking, thankless work it is to raise them, and then end the paragraph with, "... but it's so worth it!" We had a quick ultrasound a couple weeks ago and got to see the baby sucking its little thumb and yawning at us - seeing that totally made me forget how uncomfortable I was feeling laying there on my back with my huge uterus pressing down on my spine!

The other significant thing that has happened since my last post is that we asked our very good friends Kris and Nicole to be our baby's godparents. We actually only met them less than a year ago, but our friendship with them is one of those rare gifts that you don't stumble upon very often. We love spending time with them and really want our baby to grow up knowing and loving them too ... so luckily they said yes when we asked them to be godparents! This is me & Nicole on the most beautiful day in the history of February days (yup, that's a tank top ... and yes I was wearing flip-flops!), and the one on the left is one of Kris & Nicole that I stole from her facebook :) Kris is a doctor at Mark's dad's residency program (the one that keeps sneaking me in for extra ultrasounds!), and Nicole is on the same nursing course that I am. Mark and I are trying to convince them that they should move to Ethiopia and start a hospital with us when we're all done with school :)

Speaking of school ... that's definitely something I should get to work on now. I may be having another ultrasound at the end of this week so hopefully I'll have some more pictures to post here soon!

Cute new pics & sweet hook-ups

2009-01-13T14:27:00.008-06:00

Yesterday I had my 'formal ultrasound' - my OB refers his patients to the OB department at OU to have this done, for some reason, so I wasn't with my regular doctor. But as it turned out, that led to kind of a sweet turn of events......
This ultrasound was the one in which all the limbs and organs are measured to make sure everything is developing nicely. I got to see the bloodflow from the heart through the major blood vessels to the organs, which was pretty cool (though also kind of funny-looking, since that function on the U/S uses the same technology as the news people use on their weather radars!), and I got to see kidneys and abdominal organs and all the little vertebrae in the spine. It'll take a little while for the actual results to trickle down to me because the doctor has to go through all the images the tech took and make sure that everything's ok and there aren't any abnormalities. So I'll probably find out when I have my next regular OB appointment. But the tech said that everything looked great and that they don't let people leave the clinic if there's even a little suspicion of any significant problems, so I feel pretty good about things :)

Our tiny baby's getting all fat and round! Much like myself, oddly....
The head is on the right of the picture, and you can see its right eye, nose and mouth. Its eyes are finally on the front of its head instead of the sides, and it has little eyelids that are fully formed but can't open for another couple of weeks. Its hand is up beside its head, and its round belly is the other large circular shape in the picture!

The head's on the left now (we woke it up when we started ultrasounding, and it would *not*lie still for the whole rest of the appointment! Whenever it moves now, I can see the outside of my belly getting poked outwards - it's hilarious!), and this is more of a profile shot. Its right arm is down by the side of its belly and its left arm was just moving out of view - it's that vertical shape suspended in the middle of nowhere :) The little pile on top of its belly is some umbilical cord, and one of its folded-up legs is just disappearing off the right hand edge of the picture.

Once the tech had gotten all her measurements and views that she needed, she realised she had a little extra time before the next appointment. So she switched over to the 3D-4D function and we got to play with that for a while, which was super-sweet! I've been trying to find somewhere that Mark can sneak me in so we can get some 3D pictures without having to pay $150 for it ... so I was pretty happy when the tech gave me some for free. She did say that I wasn't supposed to tell anyone she'd done it and that she'd deny it was her if anyone found out - but hey, I'll take what I can get! The first one is pretty much the same view as the profile shot up there except that it tucked its hand up behind its head so a cross-section of the elbow is pointing at you, and the second one is my favourite ever. We're going to have the most beautiful baby of all time :)

The Big Fat Belly

2009-01-07T20:34:00.004-06:00

Here's a picture of the BFB until I have
some cute ultrasounds to show off!

Half Way

2009-01-06T15:05:00.007-06:00

Actually, a little more than half way; I'm officially in week 21 now. I don't have any new ultrasounds to put up here, but I'm scheduled for one in a week or so so check back in then. I'm starting to feel my stomach being pushed up into my lungs now, which is appreciated by neither lungs nor stomach! Meals have now turned into a decision between satisfying my giant appetite and keeping food intake to a minimum so as not to compromise my ability to breathe....! The top of my uterus is about 2 fingers above my somewhat distorted belly button, making me officially huge like a barn :) I actually had to ask Mark for help putting my shoes on the other day because we had just eaten and I couldn't reach past my large stomach to get to my own feet .... sad! I have vowed never to resort to one of those go-go-gadget-arm/ reach-and-grab tools that old people use to pick things up off the floor, but I'm wondering whether I'll be able to make it through another 19 weeks of getting fat without using one!

We had a great Christmas and new year ... we spent the 24th/25th and 31st/1st at home in T-town, but did do some travelling while Mark was off rotations. We got to spend some time interviewing at a residency program in the south of Texas (read: Mexico), and went back to Oklahoma City to visit our small group leaders from church there ... but the most memorable trip was to Illinois to see Grandmama Crouch. She had a fall just before Christmas and broke her hip, and we weren't sure that she would even make it through surgery (being 99 years old tends not to be an advantage when undergoing surgery). But she came through remarkably well and we were able to visit her at the nursing home she is now staying at. She is an absolute inspiration to us - a pillar of faith who can recite Psalm after Psalm even when she can't quite remember who it is she's reciting them to. Of course, the fact that she is blind and has over 20 grandchildren and even great-great-grandchildren doesn't help her keep people straight...! She was still excited that she'd be gaining another great-grandchild, though.

This is an old photo of Grandmama and Grandpapa when he was still alive ... I found it at Mark's Uncle Jim's house where we stayed for the couple days we were there, and it nearly made me weep! I definitely wish I had been able to know Grandpapa.

While we were there, Mark was able to feel the baby kick for the first time - the look on his face was priceless :) I've been able to feel it moving around in there for 4 or 5 weeks now, but we weren't expecting him to be able to feel it for another few. So that was a fun surprise ... the baby seems to be awake (or at least active) for a greater part of the day now. I didn't used to feel any movement till around lunch time, but over the last week or so it's been moving around sporadically all day. My BabyCenter update for week 21 said that by now the baby weighs 3/4 of a pound and is about the length of a carrot (Which apparently is 10 1/2 inches, which may mean that I was gypped into buying midget carrots at Walmart...). Its eyelids are now developing, and it can hear my voice and things going on outside. Its bones are getting more solid and limbs are getting more proportionate, and it's starting to fatten up in preparation for looking cute in May :)

We still haven't decided on names for sure ... there are several boys' names that we're considering (Levi, Samuel, Isaac, Micah, Asher, Jack, Zachary) but girls' names are proving more elusive. My favourites are Sophie and Anna; others on the list are Rachel, Rebekah, Leah and Elizabeth. Grandmama's middle name is Elizabeth, as is my Aunt Libba's real name, so that's a fairly strong contestant. We're open to suggestions!

New Pics

2008-12-06T15:52:00.014-06:00

Our baby is not modest.
We did some ultrasounding today with Kris & Nicole at the clinic, and Mark had to use some skillful maneuvering to avoid finding out the baby's sex. A lot has happened since the last time we got to see it - there's a very recognisable spine with individual little vertebrae and ribs attached to them, and the arms and legs have clear bones that we could see ... its head is looking a little less alien-like now, and we could see some of the major blood vessels leading off of the heart. Which is still beating nicely :)

This one's pretty self-explanatory ... and cute! The baby's kind of hiding behind placenta, but you can see its head and arm, and then there's a leg over on the left side poking out above the placenta.

I liked this one too ... it's curled on its left side, so
you can see the head on the right side of the picture with a little hand pulled up next to the head, and the legs are curled up and kind of crossed on the other side of the picture. You're looking down on the top
of the head, so the face is looking up towards the top left of the picture and you can see a bird's eye view of the nose, eye sockets and cheeks.

So I've been getting the weekly emails from BabyCenter.com that tell me about how the baby is growing and what things have developed during the last week ... this week it's gone from the size of an avocado to a 5-oz turnip (what an endearing visual...!):

I'm at the end of week 16, and I'm starting to feel some of the second trimester symptoms; none of my trousers button up any more, my ability to concentrate is fading, I'm getting spacey and forgetful (I was at Walmart the other day and walked from one end of the store to the other about 7 times because I kept forgeting things and losing track of what I was looking for ... and I had a list!!), and I wake up in the middle of the night to pee pretty much every night. On the plus side, I've been able to work out quasi-regularly and I'm not nearly as tired as I have been for the last several weeks. I'm supposed to be gaining a pound a week from now on, which I'm about on track for.
In other news ... we got our Christmas decorations out this week! It always takes me about a week to get everything out and looking the way I want it, but I think I'm happy now :) I'm (supposed to be) getting ready for finals week, which is rapidly approaching and seems to be preceeded by a week of pre-finals exams (??), so the next couple of weeks will probably be pretty busy. I'm just holding on for Christmas break ... I am so ready for it!!

Busting out

2008-11-30T17:52:00.003-06:00

... of my trousers! I've spent the last couple of weeks convincing myself that all the trousers I own are low-rise enough to fit under my big belly without cutting off any vital blood vessels ... but my stubborn-ness (not to mention my over-worked buttons) might not be able to hold out much longer. Here is how fat I am now:I had gained 3lbs at my OB appointment this past week (I am now heavier than I have ever been in my life, a feeling I should probably get used to...!), and my BabyCenter email for week 16 said I have a growth spurt to look forward to over the next couple of weeks. So perhaps I should begin investing in some larger clothes. *sigh*
On the plus side, I think I felt the baby move! I was sitting in class dreaming about Papa John's heavenly pizza (which, yes, I ended up ordering for lunch), and felt a little 'pop' a few inches below my belly button. It was very different from my normal hungry-grumbly feeling, and it was light enough that if I'd been walking around I don't think I would've noticed it. Since then I've felt a couple things that could be 'fluttering', which I'm told is the correct nomenclature for those first little wiggles ... I asked my wonderful OB Dave if I should actually be able to feel anything this early and he said it's possible - so I'm going with it :) I've actually felt energetic enough to go running this weekend - made it a grand total of about 1.2 miles, but that's better than the zero miles I've totaled so far since I got pregnant...!
Mark and I had a great trip last weekend to South Carolina for an interview at a residency program he's interested in ... I have some gorgeous pics of pretty South Carolina autumn to put up here, but for now the more pressing issue is my Acute & Chronic exam tomorrow, the content of which I have barely glanced over once. Wish me luck!

Pregnant bride

2008-11-03T20:30:00.009-06:00

I realised this is probably going to be the last time in my life that I'll ever be able to fit into my wedding dress again, so I finally got some bridal portraits done! Since I loved all our wedding photos that Tiffany took, I asked her to do my bridal ones too...
We went to Gilcrease, a museum and park just outside of Tulsa, and spent a couple hours taking pictures and chuckling that I was pregnant for my bridal protraits! Here are a few of my favourites.... Thanks Tiff!

My baby bounces

2008-10-30T17:48:00.004-05:00

Almost at the end of the infamous first trimester ... and I'm emerging feeling relatively unscathed! No nausea to write home about, I haven't gained any weight yet (though my kind friends have started informing me that I definitely have a baby pooch; I'm not convinced!), no midnight cravings for pickles or watermelons ... Other than being able to eat, sleep and pee for England, being pregnant hasn't felt remarkably different - till today. I had my first OB appointment and official ultrasound, and (if you squint and the light hits it just right) my baby actually looks like a baby! It has a head with a profile and a nose, and a little round belly, and arms and legs that stick out and a beating heart in the anatomical shape of a tiny, real heart ... and it was bouncing around while we looked at it! It looked like it was laying on the inside of a balloon and someone was flicking on the outside of the balloon right underneath where it was laying so it bounced up into the air now and then :) I still won't be able to feel it moving for another few weeks, but seeing it move around and look like a real baby changed something. Knowing that it's bouncing around in there while I go about my day is kind of weird, but pretty cool. It's gotten so much bigger since my first ultrasound that I can hardly believe this is going to take 7 more months...! I guess it's only 5cm long, though, so even though it's comparatively a lot bigger than my first scan, it's still pretty teeny.

Disclaimer

2008-10-11T23:34:00.004-05:00

This blog is an attempt to keep you, my far-flung friends and family, updated on the progress of my half-inch-long 'bun in the oven'. However, as you can see, there is somewhat of a time lag between creation of baby and blog. I am blaming this on the baby, since my biggest pregnancy symptom so far (other than three positive tests and an ultrasound, I mean) is total exhaustion and not nearly enough time left in my day after napping to get done what I need to! However, I will do my best to keep you at least reasonably in touch with things.