The things no-one tells you about pregnancy

Even if you are not over-balancing and falling over because your center of gravity is nowhere near wherever it used to be, it will still feel like you are. If I had a dollar for every time I was poised, motionless, at the top of a staircase, looking over the edge of my monstrous belly to see where the first step was and suddenly felt I was falling down the stairs so began flailing my arms and grasping at the air - only to find I was actually still exactly where I had been for the last 5 seconds but was now also frantically waving my arms ... I would have a lot of dollars.

Getting out of bed is no longer an auto-pilot action that can be carried out while still more or less asleep. It requires shuffling your massive weight to the edge of the bed, rolling onto your side, dangling your feet over the edge, using your dangling legs as a counter-weight to pull your upper body into a sitting position, then sitting there on the edge of the bed for a minute while your baby and amniotic fluid re-equilibrate into a vertical position ... while using your remaining powers of concentration trying to not pee till you reach the toilet.

Unless you make a list of things that are important to remember, you will forget something. Once you have made your list, however, there is still only about a 50% chance that you will remember to do the things on it. This is true of to-do lists, grocery lists, lists of people, registry lists, and lists of things to pack before leaving the house.

Never congratulate yourself on making it x number of weeks into a pregnancy and still having room in your body to expand your lungs enough to breathe. All of a sudden, the next day you will find yourself gasping and out of breath while sitting still, and wondering how you ever used to do something as vigorous as folding laundry without an oxygen mask on!

Along similar lines, you will one day have to choose between satisfying your enormous appetite, and breathing. There is not enough room in there for both food and air.

Never be too proud or independent, once you can no longer reach your own feet, to ask for help putting on your shoes and socks on the way out the door! This will result in you struggling for several minutes (and becoming later than you already are because of your scatterbrainedness) while others try not to laugh. You will end up asking for help anyway, but will have looked like an idiot first ... plus spending that long scrunched over your belly trying to reach your feet is likely to result in you totally smashing what little lung capacity you have left, and passing out on the floor.

Being stretched tight across a watermelon-sized belly results in your skin becoming sunburned after about 1/4 of the time you would normally be out in the sun! Lather on that sunscreen!

Everyone in the whole world has ultrasounds for eyes (except you) and can tell what gender the baby is. And will proceed to tell you right after you've told them you're waiting to find out so you can be surprised.