TGIF

Well, I've made it through this week. Today is Friday. It's almost the weekend. Wednesday was the hardest day yet. I was supposed to go get a repeat blood draw to confirm that my HCG level was falling (as would be expected in a miscarriage). I went to the lab at my doctor's office once Anna and I were up and ready first thing in the morning, only to be told that there was some missing paperwork and they couldn't do my bloodwork. For some reason, I absolutely could not handle that. I burst into tears and drove straight home - even though my doctor's office was just down the hall and it would've been a relatively simple matter to just go find out what the confusion was. That was a totally insurmountable task, compared to my tiny reserve of coping ability! I cried all the way home, all the way through Anna's naptime story and lullaby, and sat on my bed and cried for who even knows how long. I cried when Mark came home to have lunch with me, cried when he prayed over lunch, cried when he left, cried on the way back from Walmart, cried while I made dinner ... I think I cried twenty different times on Wednesday. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm swinging between mustering up enough hold-it-together-ness to complete simple household tasks, and feeling like my world is falling apart. I know that it will not always be like this. I know that His mercies are new every morning. I know that my baby is in a better place and that I will see him one day. I know that we live in an imperfect world that is waiting for redemption. I KNOW all of those things!

But my heart is still breaking.

Two days later, and I'm feeling a little better. I think I only had one meltdown yesterday. Thanks for the encouraging messages ... it really helps to know that people are praying. I don't feel especially sociable (yesterday and the day before, unless you were either Mark, Anna or Jesus coming to tell me He's going to do a miracle and bring our baby back, I definitely wasn't interested in seeing you!), but it really is good to know that there are people there when I'm ready to hang out again. I still feel like my level of functioning is limited to just surviving rather than being on top of things, but in the last couple of days I have at least accomplished going to Walmart, dusting and vacuuming my house, and doing some laundry. And getting myself and Anna (and today Riah) through each day without totally falling to pieces. I am planning on going back to the lab today to get my bloodwork done. For real this time. I just feel like my ability to cope with even the simple things in my life is reduced to 'minimal'. My phone is not syncing with the Mac, and I feel like throwing them both out the window; the babies both just started making noise after being asleep for 30 minutes, and I feel like smacking their heads together if they do it again! These are not normally feelings I struggle with!!

Sigh.

I think part of it is that I'm hormonal and my body is in that post-partum stage of trying to reset itself ... on top of grieving. And I'm trying to find a balance between being able to go through a healthy grieving process and still coping with my life and taking care of Anna and Mark. I wonder more and more how people go through this who don't know that they can call on the Creator of the universe for help.

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.