A mixed bag

This post would be simpler if I was referring to vegetables, but I'm talking about feelings. Specifically, mine! Last week marked the week our baby would have been born. It was also the week I found out that a good friend of mine is pregnant.

It's hard.

I don't like grieving. I don't like being patient, being forced to wait for something that I want so much. I don't like not being in control. I don't like it when other people so easily achieve what I want to. I don't like feeling like a bad friend for feeling heartbroken instead of rejoicing over new life.

I wish there was an easier way for my faith to become mature, for my character to develop perseverance and patience. I wish I understood why God lets some people have (what looks to me from the outside) what they want, when they want it. Why couldn't I be one of those people?

What would I miss out on if I was?

Would I have the same experiential level of trust in God's unwavering goodness and gentle strength? Even when bad things with no happy ending happen? Would I be able to reach out to other women in the same way? Would I treasure my children as much, never knowing what it was to lose one?

I can't answer any of these questions. I can say that I'm inexpressibly thankful that God redeems. He redeems things that look to me like they're bad, wasted, ugly and painful. He can make them good and beautiful when I can't. And He can help me wait well.




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