The trouble with honesty

Recently, Anna and Levi have both caused me to arrive at a point of conflict within myself.  They used different means, but my quandary was the same. 

What do you do when your child comes clean about disobedience?

I was cleaning the kitchen table, and happened to look out of the window in time to catch Anna doing something she knew she shouldn't be doing.  It posed potential health risks, and we have definitely lived here long enough that she knew that.  When she came inside later in the day, I asked her about it.  Crestfallen, she admitted that yes, she had done it.  We talked about the possible outcomes - that what she was doing could make her sick - and I asked her whether she knew that what she did was both unwise and disobedient. 

The gloomy "Yehhhss mommaaaa......"

Levi's version of the story was a little more amusing to me.  I glanced down the hallway to the kids' room yesterday, and saw a Levi-shaped blanket sitting upright on the bottom bunk.  I grinned and thought nothing of it; recently he's enjoyed playing hiding games, and I assumed he thought we couldn't see him, sitting there with his blanket over his head.  Later on, though, as I was putting him down for his nap, I found Anna's bag of Valentine's candy on his bed - empty.  We had a conversation that went something like this:

"Levi, how come Anna's candy bag is in your bed?"
"Umm ..... puhcause I putted it there."
"Well, I think she still had some candy left, bud. Do you know what happened to it?"
"Uhhh.... yeeaaaahhhh........"
"Where did it go?"
"........................ umm....................... I ated it."
"Is that why you were hiding under the blanket?"
"Yeah."

We talked about taking things that aren't yours, and about how his actions would make Anna feel when she found out the candy she'd been saving was gone, and decided that Levi needed to give his dessert to Anna after dinner to make things right(ish!). 

Both kids knew they were disobeying, and thought that because Mark and I weren't around they wouldn't get caught.  But - both kids also told the truth when I asked for it.  Lately this has not always been the case with Levi; I think he's figured out that if we ask him a question, he can actually choose how he responds..! 

The consequence of Anna's poor choice was that she was grounded for the weekend: "If you aren't able to make good choices when you're outside playing, you'll have to stay inside where we can keep an eye on you and help you make better choices."
As I wrapped up our conversation, though, I started to wonder.  She disobeyed - granted - but then chose to tell me the truth instead of lying to cover up her actions.  I called her back over and told her that because she was honest about her disobedience, she could have Sunday back instead of losing her whole weekend, and that I was proud of her for choosing to tell the truth. 

These two incidents have left me with some uncertainty, though.  How do I teach our kids the importance of telling the truth, when often their confessions will lead to discipline?  Do I give them a 'reduced sentence' of sorts when they choose not to lie?  Will suspending their consequences teach them that it's ok to disobey as long as they come clean afterwards?  What happens when I don't know whether they're telling the truth or not?  And what about when they are older and the person meting out their 'discipline' isn't their mother who loves them, but rather a teacher or boss or (heaven forbid!) law enforcement officer?  Will they go easy on people who tell the truth? 

As these questions have bounced around my head during the last several days, I've searched through my mind and my Bible for a verse or passage that might spell it out for me.  So far I haven't found anything that says, "Do this when your kid disobeys but 'fesses up --".  But what I have found is this:


These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home, and when you walk along the road, and when you lie down and get up.

Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me through your law.  I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws.

Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.

Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary? Who may live on your holy hill? He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous; who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue.

It is better to obey than to offer a sacrifice.

And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.

The Bible is clear that God is truth, and desires that His children walk in truth and obedience.  And also that as one of His children, I teach MY children the importance of walking in truth.  However, David's writings are also filled with references to God's great mercy.  Countless times as we read through the history of Israel, we see that God acts with justice after his people sin but that in His graciousness He quickly turns from anger and shows His people mercy.  My favourite verse from the list above is the final one, from Micah 6: that we are to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God. 

This has become my guiding verse as I try to parent our kids when they are honest about their disobedience.  God requires that I do act justly; when one of my children disobeys, they must endure the consequences of their choice.  However, my discipline is to be shaped by the mercy He has shown me, and the humility that comes when I face my own sin in the face of His perfect holiness.  This doesn't spell out what exactly I should do in scenarios like the ones I ran across recently ... but it certainly helps me with the how. 

(Obviously, my actual problem is how to discipline them at all when they're so stinkin' cute. Luckily they don't look like this all the time!)